Book Reviews

7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey -Book Notes, Summary, and Review

Get it on Amazon

Rating: 10/10

Date of reading: 16th – 24th of January, 2016

Description: The first three habits (Be Proactive, Begin With The End In Mind, and Put First Things First) are about self-mastery and you do them “behind closed doors.” Without achieving personal mastery, there is no external success. And the habits four (Think Win/Win), five (Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood), and six (Synergize) all focus on the social, exterior life. The seventh habit (Sharpen The Saw) is about taking the time to work on your capacity to take care of the remaining six habits.

My notes:

Paradigms and Principles

We felt that if “success” were important in any area of life, it was supremely important in our role as parents.” ( :7)

“he was basically inadequate, somehow “behind.”” ( :7)

“This led me to a study of expectancy theory and self-fulfilling prophecies or the “Pygmalion effect,”” ( :7)

“our perception was that” ( :7)

“behind.” No matter how much we worked on our attitude and behavior, our efforts were ineffective because, despite our actions and our words, what we really communicated to him was, “You aren’t capable. You have to be protected.” We began to realize that if we wanted to change the situation, we first had to change ourselves. And to change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.” ( :7)

“integrity, humility, fidelity, temperance,” ( :8)

“courage, justice, patience, industry, simplicity, mo desty, and the Golden Rule.” ( :8)

“But shortly after World War I the basic view of success shifted from the character ethic to what we might call the personality ethic.” ( :8)

“Some of this literature acknowledged character as an ingredient of success, but tended to compartmentalize it rather than recognize it as foundational and catalytic. Reference to the character ethic became mostly lip service; the basic thrust was quick-fix influence techniques, power strategies, communication skills, and positive attitudes.” ( :8)

“As we loosened up our old perception of our son and developed value-based motives, new feelings began to emerge. We found ourselves enjoying him instead of comparing or judging him. We stopped trying to” ( :8)

“I am not suggesting that elements of the personality ethic — personality growth, communication skill training, and education in the field of influence strategies and positive thinking — are not beneficial, in fact sometimes essential for success. I believe they are. But these are secondary, not primary traits.” ( :9)

“day in and day out,” ( :9)

“The price must be paid and the process followed. You always reap what you sow; there is no shortcut.” ( :10)

“Many people with secondary greatness — that is, social recognition for their talents — lack primary greatness or goodness in their character.” ( :10)

“It is character that communicate s most eloquently.” ( :10)

“”What you are shouts so loudly in my ears that I cannot hear what you say” ( :10)

“There are, of course, situations where people have character strength but they lack communication skills, and that undoubtedly affects the quality of relationships as well. But the effects are still secondary. In the last” ( :10)

“Into th e hands of every individual is given a marvelous power for good or evil — the silent unconscious, un seen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of what man really is, not what he pretends to be.”” ( :10)

“Ethic are examples of social paradigms. The word paradigm comes from the Greek. It was originally a scientific term, and is more commonly used today to mean a model, theory, perception, assumption, or frame of reference. In the more general sense, it’s the way we “see” the world — not in terms of our visual sense of sight, but in terms of perceiving, understanding, and interpreting.” ( :10)

“central Chicago. A street map of the city would be a great help to you in reaching your destination. But suppose you were given the wrong map. Through a printing error, the map labeled “Chicago” was actually a map of Detroit. Can you imagine the frustration, the ineffectiveness of trying to reach your destination? You might work on your behavior — you could try harder, be more diligent, double your speed. But your efforts would only succeed in getting you to the wrong place faster.” ( :10)

“The point is, you’d still be lost. The fundamental problem has nothing to do with your behavior or your attitude. It has everything to do with having a wrong map. If you have the right map of Chicago, then diligence becomes important, and when you encounter frustrating obstacles along the way, then attitude can make a real difference. But the first and most important requirement is the accuracy of the map.” ( :11)

“Each of us has many, many maps in our head, which can be divided into two main categories: maps of the way things are, or realities, and maps of the way things should be, or values.” ( :11)

“Who’s right? Look at the picture again. Can you see the old woman? If you can’t, keep trying. Can you see her big hook nose? Her shawl? If you and I were talking face to face, we could discuss the picture. You could describe what you see to me, and I could talk to you about what I see. We could continue to communicate until you clearly showed me what you see in the picture and I clearly showed you what I see. Because we can’t do that, turn to page 45 and study the picture there and then look at this picture again. Can you see the old woman now? It’s important that you see her before you continue reading. I first encountered this exercise many years ago at the Harvard Business School. The instructor was using it to demonstrate clearly and eloquently that two people can see the same thing, disagree, and yet both be right. It’s not logical; it’s psychological.” ( :11)

“He brought into the room a stack of large cards, half of which had the image of the young woman you saw on page 25, and the other half of which had the old woman on page 45. He passed them out to the class, the picture of the young woman to one side of the room and the picture of the old woman to the other. He asked us to look at the cards, concentrate on them for about 10 seconds and then pass them back in. He then projected upon the screen the picture you saw on page 26 combining both images and asked the class to describe what they saw. Almost every person in that class who had first seen the young woman’s image on a card saw the young woman in the picture. And almost every person in that class who had first seen the old woman’s image on a card saw an old woman in the picture.” ( :11)

“ds can have that kind of impact on the way we see things, what about the conditioning of a lifetime?” ( :12)

“But each person’s interpretation of these facts represents prior experiences, and the facts have no meaning whatsoever apart from the interpretation.” ( :13)

“The Structure of Scientific Revolutions. Kuhn shows how almost every significant breakthrough in the field of scientific endeavor is first a break with tradition, with old ways of thinking, with old paradigms.” ( :13)

“The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”” ( :14)

“Many people experience a similar fundamental shift in thinking when they face a life-threatening crisis and suddenly see their priorities in a different light, or when they suddenly step into a new role, such as that of husband or wife, parent or grandparent, manager or leader.” ( :14)

“For every thousand hack ing at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root.” ( :14)

“Our Paradigms are the way we “see” the world or circumstances — not in terms of our visual sense of sight, but in terms of perceiving, understanding, and interpreting. Paradigms are inseparable from character. Being is seeing in the human dimension. And what we see is highly interrelated to what we are. We can’t go very far to change our seeing without simultaneously changing our being, and vice versa.” ( :14)

“”It is impossible for us to break the law. We can only break ourselves against the law.”” ( :15)

“”We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”” ( :16)

“While practices are situationally specific, principles are deep, fundamental truths that have universal application. They apply to individuals, to marriages, to families, to private and public organizations of every kind. When these truths are internalized into habits, they empower people to create a wide variety of practices to deal with different situations.” ( :16)

“Principles are not values. A gang of thieves can share values, but they are in violation of the fundamental principles we’re talking about. Principles are the territory. Values are maps. When we value correct principles, we have truth — a knowledge of things as they are.” ( :16)

“I doubt that anyone would seriously consider unfairness, deceit, baseness, uselessness, mediocrity, or degeneration to be a solid foundation for lasting happiness and success. Although people may argue about how these principles are defined or manifested or achieved, there” ( :16)

“A thousand-mile journe y begins with the first step” ( :17)

“highly developed qualities of character. It’s so much easier to operate from a low emotional level and to give high-level advice.” ( :18)

“But at that moment, I valued the opinion those parents had of me more than the growth and development of my child and our relationship together. I simply made an initial judgment that I was right; she should share, and she was wrong in not doing so.” ( :19)

“But borrowing strength builds weakness” ( :19)

“And what happens when the source of borrowed strength — be it superior size or physical strength, position, authority, credentials, status symbols, appearance, or past achievements — changes or is no longer there?” ( :19)

“the air charged with emotion, an attempt to teach is often perceived as a form of judgment and rejection.” ( :19)

“Can you see how fundamentally the paradigms of the personality ethic affect the very way we see our problems as well as the way we attempt to solve them?” ( :20)

“organizations, I find that long-term” ( :20)

“THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart thinking executives are simply turned off by psyche up psychology and “motivational” speakers who have nothing more to share than entertaining stories mingled with platitudes. They want substance; they want process. They want more than aspirin and band-aids. They want to solve the chronic underlying problems and focus on the principles that bring long-term results.” ( :21)

“The significant prob lems we face cannot be solved at the same level of” ( :21)

“thinking we were at when we created them.” ( :21)

“The Inside-Out approach says that Private Victories TM precede Public Victories TM, that making and keeping promises to ourselves precedes making and keeping promises to others. It says it is futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves.” ( :21)

“experience, I have never seen lasting solutions to problems, lasting happiness and success, that came from the outside in.” ( :21)

“I’ve seen labor management disputes where people spend tremendous amounts of time and energy trying to create legislation that would force people to act as though the foundation of trust were really there.” ( :21)

“Members of our family have lived in three of the “hottest” spots on earth — South Africa, Israel, and Ireland — and I believe the source of the continuing problems in each of these places has been the dominant social paradigm of outside-in. Each involved group is convinced the problem is “out there” and if “they” (meaning others) would “shape up” or suddenly “ship out” of existence, the problem would be solved.” ( :21)

“We must not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time.” ( :22)

“”Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny,” the maxim goes.” ( :22)

“”Lift off” takes a tremendous effort, but once we break out of the gravity pull, our freedom takes on a whole new dimension.” ( :22)

“knowledge, skill, and desire” ( :22)

“For our purposes, we will define a habit as the intersection of knowledge, skill, and desire. Knowledge is the theoretical paradigm, the what to do and the why. Skill is the how to do. And desire is the motivation, the want to do. In order to make something a habit in our lives, we have to have all three.” ( :22)

“But knowing I need to listen and knowing how to listen is not enough. Unless I want to listen, unless I have the desire, it won’t be a habit in my life. Creating a habit requires work in all three dimensions.” ( :23)

“On the maturity continuum, dependence is the paradigm of you — you take care of me; you come through for me; you didn’t come through; I blame you for the results. Independence is the paradigm of I — I can do it; I am responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose. Interdependence is the paradigm of we — we can do it: we can cooperate; we can combine our talents and abilities and create something greater together.” ( :23)

“Of course, we may need to change our circumstances. But the dependence problem is a personal maturity issue that has little to do with circumstances. Even with better circumstances, immaturity and dependence often persist.” ( :24)

“Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won’t be good leaders or team players.” ( :24)

“Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make. Dependent people cannot choose to become interdependent. They don’t have the character to do it; they don’t own enough of themselves.” ( :24)

“As you become truly independent, you have the foundation for effective interdependence. You have the character base from which you can effectively work on the more personality-oriented “Public Victories” of teamwork, cooperation, and communication in Habits 4, 5, and 6.” ( :25)

“But as the story shows, true effectiveness is a function of two things: what is produced (the golden eggs) and the producing asset or capacity to produce (the goose).” ( :25)

“On the other hand, if you only take care of the goose with no aim toward the golden eggs, you soon won’t have the wherewithal to feed yourself or the goose.” ( :26)

“parent’s relationship with a child? When children are little, they are very dependent, very vulnerable. It becomes so easy to neglect the PC work — the training, the communicating, the relating, the listening. It’s easy to take advantage, to manipulate, to get what you want the way you want it — right now! You’re bigger, you’re smarter, and you’re right! So why not just tell them what to do? If necessary, yell at them, intimidate them, insist on your way.” ( :26)

“For example, a person in charge of a physical asset, such as a machine, may be eager to make a good impression on his superiors. Perhaps the company is in a rapid growth stage and promotions are coming fast. So he produces at optimum levels — no downtime, no maintenance. He runs the machine day and night. The production is phenomenal, costs are down, and profits skyrocket. Within a short time, he’s promoted. Golden eggs. But suppose you are his successor on the job. You inherit a very sick goose, a machine that, by this time, is rusted and starts to break down. You have to invest heavily in downtime and maintenance. Costs skyrocket; profits nose-dive. And who gets blamed for the loss of golden eggs? You do. Your predecessor liquidated the asset, but the accounting system only reported unit production, costs, and profit.” ( :28)

“PC work is treating employees as volunteers just as you treat customers as volunteers, because that’s what they are. They volunteer the best part — their hearts and minds. I was in a group once where someone asked, “How do you shape up lazy and incompetent employees?” One man responded, “Drop hand grenades!” Several others cheered that kind of macho management talk, that “shape up or ship out” supervision approach. But another person in the group asked, “Who picks up the pieces?” “No pieces.” “Well, why don’t you do that to your customers?” the other man replied. “Just say, ‘Listen, if you’re not interested in buying, you can just ship out of this place.'” He said, “You can’t do that to customers.” “Well, how come you can do it to employees?” “Because they’re in your employ.” “I see. Are your employees devoted to you? Do they work hard? How’s the turnover?” “Are you kidding? You can’t find good people these days. There’s too much turnover, absenteeism, moonlighting. People just don’t care anymore.” That focus on golden eggs — that attitude, that paradigm — is totally inadequate to tap into the powerful energies of the mind and heart of another person. A short-term bottom line is important, but it isn’t all-important.” ( :28)

“Or a person endlessly going to school, never producing, living on other people’s golden eggs — the eternal student syndrome.” ( :29)

“”No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal.” ( :30)

“You will define yourself from within, rather than by people’s opinions or by comparisons to others. “Wrong” and “right” will have little to do with being found out.” ( :30)

“Ironically, you’ll find that as you care less about what others think of you; you will care more about what others think of themselves and their worlds, including their relationship with you. You’ll no longer build your emotional life on other people’s weaknesses. In addition, you’ll find it easier and more desirable to change because there is something — some core deep within — that is essentially changeless.” ( :30)

Habit 1: Be Proactive

“I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor. — Henry David Thorea” ( :31)

“We are not our feelings. We are not our moods. We are not even our thoughts. The very fact that we can think about these things separates us from them and from the animal world. Self-awareness enables us to stand apart and examine even the way we “see” ourselves — our paradigm, the most fundamental paradigm of effectiveness. It affects not only our attitudes and behaviors, but also how we see other people. It becomes our map of the basic nature of mankind.” ( :31)

“These visions are disjointed and out of proportion. They are often more projections than reflections, projecting the concerns and character weaknesses of people giving the input rather than accurately reflecting what we are.” ( :32)

“Genetic determinism basically says your grandparents did it to you. That’s why you have such a temper. Your grandparents had short tempers and it’s in your DNA. It just goes through the generations and you inherited it. In addition, you’re Irish, and that’s the nature of Irish people” ( :32)

“Psychic determinism basically says your parents did it to you. Your upbringing, your childhood experience essentially laid out your personal tendencies and your character structure. That’s why you’re afraid to be in front of a group. It’s the way your parents brought you up. You feel terribly guilty if you make a mistake because you “remember” deep inside the emotional scripting when you were very vulnerable and tender and dependent. You “remember” the emotional punishment, the rejection, the comparison with somebody else when you didn’t perform as well as expected.” ( :32)

“Environmental determinism basically says your boss is doing to you — or your spouse, or that bratty teenager, or your economic situation, or national policies. Someone or something in your environment is responsible for your situation.” ( :32)

“Frankl was a determinist raised in the tradition of Freudian psychology, which postulates that whatever happens to you as a child shapes your character and personality and basically governs your whole life. The limits and parameters of your life are set, and, basically, you can’t do much about it.” ( :32)

“Between what happened to him, or the stimulus, and his response to it, was his freedom or power to choose that response.” ( :32)

“Between stimulus and response is our greatest power — the freedom to choose.” ( :33)

“It means more than merely taking initiative. It means that as human beings, we are responsible for our own lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen.” ( :33)

“They do not blame circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behavior. Their behavior is a product of their own conscious choice, based on values, rather than a product of their conditions, based on feeling.” ( :33)

“Reactive people are often affected by their physical environment. If the weather is good, they feel good. If it isn’t, it affects their attitude and their performance. Proactive people can carry their own weather with them. Whether it rains or shines makes no difference to them. They are value driven; and if their value is to produce good quality work, it isn’t a function of whether the weather is conducive to it or not.” ( :34)

“Proactive people are still influenced by external stimuli, whether physical, social, or psychological. But their response to the stimuli, conscious or unconscious, is a value-based choice or response.” ( :34)

“”They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them.” It is our willing permission, our consent to what happens to us, that hurts us far more than what happens to us in the first place.” ( :34)

“It’s not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us.” ( :34)

“In fact, our most difficult experiences become the crucibles that forge our character and develop the internal powers,” ( :34)

“Frankl is one of many who have been able to develop the personal freedom in difficult circumstances to lift and inspire others. The autobiographical accounts of Vietnam prisoners of war provide additional persuasive testimony of the transforming power of such personal freedom and the effect of the responsible use of that freedom on the prison culture and on the prisoners, both then and now.” ( :35)

“Nothing has a greater, longer lasting impression upon another person than the awareness that someone has transcended suffering, has transcended circumstance, and is embodying and expressing a value that inspires and ennobles and lifts life.” ( :35)

“Many times over the years, I have asked groups of people how many have ever experienced being in the presence of a dying individual who had a magnificent attitude and communicated love and compassion and served in unmatchable ways to the very end. Usually, about one-fourth of the audience respond in the affirmative. I then ask how many of them will never forget these individuals — how many were transformed, at least temporarily, by the inspiration of such courage, and were deeply moved and motivated to more noble acts of service and compassion. The same people respond again, almost inevitably. Viktor Frankl suggests that there are three central values in life — the experiential, or that which happens to us; the creative, or that which we bring into existence; and the attitudinal, or our response in difficult circumstances such as terminal illness.” ( :35)

“Taking initiative does not mean being pushy, obnoxious, or aggressive. It does mean recognizing our responsibility to make things happen.” ( :35)

“them, “Use your R and I!” (resourcefulness and initiative).” ( :36)

“At the every end of the third day, we summarized the results of the conference in a three-part answer to the question, “How’s business?” Part one: What’s happening to us is not good, and the trends suggest that it will get worse before it gets better Part two: But what we are causing to happen is very good, for we are better managing and reducing our costs and increasing our market share Part three: Therefore, business is better than ever” ( :37)

“The language of reactive people absolves them of responsibility. “That’s me. That’s just the way I am.” I am determined. There’s nothing I can do about it. “He makes me so mad!” I’m not responsible. My emotional life is governed by something outside my control. “I can’t do that. I just don’t have the time.” Something outside me — limited time — is controlling me. “If only my wife were more patient.” Someone else’s behavior is limiting my effectiveness. “I have to do it.” Circumstances or other people are forcing me to do what I do. I’m not free to choose my own actions. Reactive Language: There’s nothing I can do. That’s just the way I am. He makes me so mad. They won’t allow that. I have to do that. I can’t. I must. If only. Proactive Language: Let’s look at our alternatives. I can choose a different approach. I control my own feelings. I can create an effective presentation. I will choose an appropriate response. I choose. I prefer. I will.” ( :37)

“A serious problem with reactive language is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. People become reinforced in the paradigm that they are determined, and they produce evidence to support the belief. They feel increasingly victimized and out of control, not in charge of their life or their destiny. They blame outside forces — other people, circumstances, even the stars — for their own situation.” ( :38)

“”Love her,” I replied. “I told you, the feeling just isn’t there anymore.” “Love her.” “You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.” “Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her.” “But how do you love when you don’t love?” “My friend, love is a verb. Love — the feeling — is a fruit of love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”” ( :38)

“As we look at those things within our Circle of Concern, it becomes apparent that there are some things over which we have no real control and others that we can do something about. We could identify those concerns in the latter group by circumscribing them within a smaller Circle of Influence. By determining which of these two circles is the focus of most of our time and energy, we can discover much about the degree of our proactivity. Proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence. They work on the things they can do something about. The nature of their energy is positive, enlarging and magnifying, causing their Circle of Influence to increase.” ( :39)

“Because of position, wealth, role, or relationships, there are some circumstances in which a person’s Circle of Influence is larger than his or her Circle of Concern. This situation reflects on a self-inflicted emotional myopia — another reactive selfish life-style focused in the Circle of Concern.” ( :39)

“Indirect control problems are solved by changing our methods of influence. These are the “Public Victories” of Habits 4, 5, and 6.” ( :40)

“is from confrontation, as separate as example is from persuasion. Most people have only three or four of these methods in their repertoire, starting usually with reasoning, and, if that doesn’t work, moving to flight or fight.” ( :40)

“The net effect was that he alienated almost the entire executive team surrounding him.” ( :40)

“But one of the executives was proactive. He was driven by values, not feelings. He took initiative — he anticipated, he empathized, he read the situation. He was not blind to the president’s weaknesses; but instead of criticizing them, he would compensate for them. Where the president was weak in his style, he’d try to buffer his own people and make such weaknesses irrelevant. And he’d work with the president’s strengths — his vision, talent, creativity. This man focused on his Circle of Influence. He was treated like a gofer, also.” ( :40)

“additional information that’s exactly what we needed. He even gave me his analysis of it in terms of my deepest concerns, and a list of his recommendations. “The recommendations are consistent with the analysis, and the analysis is consistent with the data. He’s remarkable! What a relief not to have to worry about this part of the business.” At the next meeting, it was “go for this” and “go for that” to all the executives but one. To this man, it was “What’s your opinion?” His Circle of Influence had grown” ( :41)

“Proactive people aren’t pushy. They’re smart, they’re value driven, they read reality, and they know what’s needed.” ( :41)

“Look at Gandhi. While his accusers were in the legislative chambers criticizing him because he wouldn’t join in their Circle of Concern rhetoric condemning the British Empire for their subjugation of the Indian people, Gandhi was out in the rice paddies, quietly, slowly, imperceptibly expanding his Circle of Influence with the field laborers. A ground swell of support, of trust, of confidence followed him through the countryside. Though he held no office or political position, through compassion, courage, fasting, and moral persuasion he eventually brought England to its knees, breaking political domination of 300 million people with the power of his greatly expanded Circle of Influence.” ( :41)

“The Circle of Influence is filled with the be’s — I can be more patient, be wise, be loving. It’s the character focus.” ( :41)

“It’s the story of Joseph, who was sold into slavery in Egypt by his brothers at the age of 17. Can you imagine how easy it would have been for him to languish in self-pity as a servant of Potiphar, to focus on the weaknesses of his brothers and his captors and on all he didn’t have? But Joseph was proactive. He worked on be. And within a short period of time, he was running Potiphar’s household. He was in charge of all that Potiphar had because the trust was so high. Then the day came when Joseph was caught in a difficult situation and refused to compromise his integrity. As a result, he was unjustly imprisoned for 13 years. But again he was proactive. He worked on the inner circle, on being instead of having, and soon he was running the prison and eventually the entire nation of Egypt, second only to the Pharaoh.” ( :42)

“While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of those actions. Consequences are governed by natural law. They are out in the Circle of Concern. We can decide to step in front of a fast-moving train, but we cannot decide what will happen when the train hits us. We can decide to be dishonest in our business dealings. While the social consequences of that decision may vary depending on whether or not we are found out, the natural consequences to our basic character are a fixed result.” ( :42)

“But not to acknowledge a mistake, not to correct it and learn from it, is a mistake of a different order.” ( :43)

“Or we can set a goal — and work to achieve it. As we make and keep commitments, even small commitments, we begin to establish an inner integrity that gives us the awareness of self-control and the courage and strength to accept more of the responsibility for our own lives. By making and keeping promises to ourselves and others, little by little, our honor becomes greater than our moods.” ( :43)

“It’s how we make and keep commitments, how we handle a traffic jam, how we respond to an irate customer or a disobedient child. It’s how we view our problems and where we focus our energies. It’s the language we use.” ( :44)

“For 30 days work only in your Circle of Influence. Make small commitments and keep them. Be a light, not a judge. Be a model, not a critic. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.” ( :44)

“1. For a full day, listen to your language and to the language of the people around you. How often do you use and hear reactive phrases such as “If only,” “I can’t,” or “I have to”” ( :44)

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us” ( :45)

“What character would you like them to have seen in you? What contributions, what achievements would you want them to remember? Look carefully at the people around you. What difference would you like to have made in their lives?” ( :45)

“If you participated seriously in this visualization experience, you touched for a moment some of your deep, fundamental values. You established brief contact with that inner guidance system at the heart of your Circle of Influence” ( :45)

“When I look upon the tombs of the great, every emotion of envy dies in me; when I read the epitaphs of the beautiful, every inordinate desire goes out; when I meet with the grief of parents upon a tombstone, my heart melts with compassion; when I see the tomb of the parents themselves, I consider the vanity of grieving for those whom we must quickly follow: when I see kings lying by those who deposed them, I consider rival wits placed side by side, or the holy men that divided the world with their contests and disputes, I reflect with sorrow and astonishment on the little competitions, factions, and debates of mankind. When I read the several dates of the tombs, of some that died yesterday, and some six hundred years ago, I consider that great Day when we shall all of us be Contemporaries, and make our appearance together.” ( :45)

“Begin with the End in Mind” is to begin today with the image, picture, or paradigm of the end of your life as your frame of reference or the criterion by which everything else is examined.” ( :46)

“measure twice, cut once.” ( :46)

“d” ( :46)

“doctors, academicians, actors, politicians, business professionals, athletes, and plumbers — often struggle to achieve a higher income, more recognition or a certain degree of professional competence, only to find that their drive to achieve their goal blinded them to the things that really mattered most and now are gone.” ( :46)

“We may be very busy, we may be very efficient, but we will also be truly effective only when we Begin with the End in Mind.” ( :46)

“When you Begin with the End in Mind, you gain a different perspective. One man asked another on the death of a mutual friend, “How much did he leave?” His friend responded, “He left it all.”” ( :46)

“The carpenter’s rule is “measure twice, cut once.” You have to make sure that the blueprint, the first creation, is really what you want, that you’ve thought everything through. Then you put it into bricks and mortar. Each day you go to the construction shed and pull out the blueprint to get marching orders for the day. You Begin with the End in Mind.” ( :46)

“If you want to raise responsible, self-disciplined children, you have to keep that end clearly in mind as you interact with your children on a daily basis. You can’t behave toward them in ways that undermine their self-discipline or self-esteem.” ( :47)

“We reactively live the scripts handed to us by family, associates, other people’s agendas, the pressures of circumstance — scripts from our earlier years, from our training, our conditioning” ( :47)

“We are either the second creation of our own proactive design, or we are the second creation of other people’s agendas, of circumstances, or of past habits” ( :47)

“Put another way, Habit 1 says, “You are the creator.” Habit 2 is the first creation.” ( :47)

“Habit 2 is based on principles of personal leadership, which means that leadership is the first creation. Leadership is not management. Management is the second creation, which we’ll discuss in the chapter on Habit 3. But leadership has to come first.” ( :47)

“”Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.” Management is efficiency in climbing the ladder of success; leadership determines whether the ladder is leaning against the right wall.” ( :47)

“Efficient management without effective leadership is, as one individual phrased it, “like straightening deck chairs on the Titanic.”” ( :48)

“ic.” No management success can compensate for failure in leadership.” ( :48)

“”But I persisted. I was absolutely convinced that I needed to provide leadership. And I did. Today our whole business is different. We’re more in line with our environment. We have doubled our revenues and quadrupled our profits. I’m into leadership.”” ( :48)

“trapped in the management paradigm, thinking of control, efficiency, and rules instead of direction, purpose, and family feeling.” ( :48)

“imagination and conscience.” ( :49)

“Anwar Sadat, past president of Egypt. Sadat had been reared, nurtured, and deeply scripted in a hatred for Israel. He would make the statement on national television, “I will never shake the hand of an Israeli as long as they occupy one inch of Arab soil. Never, never, never!” And huge crowds all around the country would chant, “Never, never, never!” He marshaled the energy and unified the will of the whole country in that script.” ( :49)

“It’s not in having things, but in having mastery, having victory over self. For” ( :49)

“He visited the Knesset in Jerusalem and opened up one of the most precedent-breaking peace movements in the history of the world, a bold initiative that eventually brought about the Camp David Accord.” ( :49)

“And from that rescripting, that change in paradigm, flowed changes in behavior and attitude that affected millions of lives in the wider Circle of Concern.” ( :49)

“relationship” ( :50)

“in the middle of the debris of a shattered” ( :50)

“Now if I were sitting at that funeral we visualized earlier, and one of my children was about to speak, I would want his life to represent the victory of teaching, training, and disciplining with love over a period of years rather than the battle scars of quick-fix skirmishes. I would want his heart and mind to be filled with the pleasant memories of deep, meaningful times together. I would want him to remember me as a loving father who shared the fun and the pain of growing up. I would want him to remember the times he came to me with his problems and concerns. I would want to have listened and loved and helped. I would want him to know I wasn’t perfect, but that I had tried with everything I had. And that, perhaps more than anybody in the world, I loved him.” ( :50)

“vicissitudes” ( :50)

“It also means to begin each day with those values firmly in mind. Then as the vicissitudes, as the challenges come, I can make my decisions based on those values. I can act with integrity. I don’t have to react to the emotion, the circumstance. I can be truly proactive, value driven, because my values are clear.” ( :50)

“The most effective way I know to Begin with the End in Mind is to develop a personal mission statement or philosophy or creed. It focuses on what you want to be (character) and to do (contributions and achievements) and on the values or principles upon which being and doing are based” ( :50)

“Succeed at home first.” ( :50)

“Seek and merit divine help. Never compromise with honesty. Remember the people involved. Hear both sides before judging. Obtain counsel of others. Defend those who are absent. Be sincere yet decisive. Develop one new proficiency a year. Plan tomorrow’s work today. Hustle while you wait. Maintain a positive attitude. Keep a sense of humor. Be orderly in person and in work. Do not fear mistakes — fear only the absence of creative, constructive, and corrective responses to those mistakes. Facilitate the success of subordinates. Listen twice as much as you speak.” ( :51)

“In over 200 years, there have been only 26 amendments, 10 of which were in the original Bill of Rights.” ( :51)

“ride through such major traumas” ( :51)

“People can’t live with change if there’s not a changeless core inside them. The key to the ability to change is a changeless sense of who you are, what you are about and what you value.” ( :52)

“”logotherapy,” the philosophy he later developed and taught, is that many so-called mental and emotional illnesses are really symptoms of an underlying sense of meaninglessness or emptiness. Logotherapy eliminates that emptiness by helping the individual to detect his unique meaning, his mission in life.” ( :52)

“Once you have that sense of mission, you have the essence of your own proactivity. You have the vision and the values which direct your life. You have the basic direction from which you set your longand short-term goals. You have the power of a written constitution based on correct principles, against which every decision concerning the most effective use of your time, your talents, and your energies can be effectively measured.” ( :52)

“undergird” ( :53)

“puppet” ( :53)

“If our sense of emotional worth comes primarily from our marriage, then we become highly dependent upon that relationship. We become vulnerable to the moods and feelings, the behavior and treatment of our spouse, or to any external event that may impinge on the relationship — a new child, in-laws, economic setbacks, social successes, and so forth.” ( :53)

“Each partner tends to wait on the initiative of the other for love, only to be disappointed but also confirmed as to the rightness of the accusations made.” ( :54)

“Family Centeredness” ( :54)

“People who are family-centered get their sense of security or personal worth from the family tradition and culture or the family reputation. Thus, they become vulnerable to any changes in that tradition or culture and to any influences that would affect that reputation.” ( :54)

“Money Centeredness” ( :54)

“bring about its own undoing.” ( :54)

“But to focus on money-making as a center will” ( :54)

“When my sense of personal worth comes from my net worth, I am vulnerable to anything that will affect that net worth.” ( :54)

“he responded, “The work will come again, but childhood won’t.”” ( :55)

“Work Centeredness” ( :55)

“Possession Centeredness” ( :55)

“Pleasure Centeredness” ( :55)

“workaholics” ( :55)

“lethargic” ( :55)

“But while the glitter of pleasure-centered lifestyles is graphically portrayed, the natural result of such lifestyles — the impact on the inner person, on productivity, on relationships — is seldom accurately seen.” ( :55)

“being known and being praised; ostensible pleasures, like acquiring money or seducing women, or traveling, going to and fro in the world and up and down in it like Satan, explaining and experiencing whatever Vanity Fair has to offer.” ( :56)

“Friend/Enemy Centeredness.” ( :56)

“He finally admitted that this individual had had such an impact on him, but he denied that he himself had made all these choices. He attributed the responsibility for the unhappy situation to the administrator. He, himself, he declared, was not responsible. As we talked, little by little, he came to realize that he was indeed responsible, but that because he did not handle this responsibility well, he was being irresponsible. Many divorced people fall into a similar pattern. They are still” ( :56)

“justify their accusations” ( :56)

“Many “older” children go through life either secretly or openly hating their parents. They blame them for past abuses, neglect, or favoritism and they center their adult life on that hatred, living out the reactive, justifying script that accompanies it.” ( :56)

“Church Centeredness.” ( :57)

“There are some people who get so busy in church worship and projects that they become insensitive to the pressing human needs that surround them, contradicting the very precepts they profess to believe deeply. There are others who attend church less frequently or not at all but whose attitudes and behavior reflect a more genuine centering in the principles of the basic Judeo-Christian ethic.” ( :57)

“Self-Centered” ( :60)

“Your ability to act is limited to your own re sources, without the benefi ts of interdependency.” ( :60)

“If you are Self-Centered… SECURITY Your security is constantly changing and shifting. GUIDANCE Your judgment criteria are: “If it feels good…” “What I want.” “What I need.” “What’s in it for me? WISDOM You view the world by how decisions, events, or circumstances will affect you. POWER Your ability to act is limited to your own re” ( :60)

“Principles don’t react to anything. They won’t divorce us or run away with our best friend. They aren’t out to get us. They can’t pave our way with shortcuts and quick fixes. They don’t depend on the behavior of others, the environment, or the current fad for their validity. Principles don’t die. They aren’t here one day and gone the next. They can’t be destroyed by fire, earthquake, or theft.” ( :61)

“As we consider various ways of looking at a single event, is it any wonder that we have “young lady/old lady” perception problems in our interactions with each other? Can you see how fundamentally our centers affect us? Right down to our motivations, our daily decisions, our actions (or, in too many cases, our reactions), our interpretations of events? That’s why understanding your own center is so important. And if that center does not empower you as a proactive person, it becomes fundamental to your effectiveness to make the necessary Paradigm Shifts to create a center that will.” ( :63)

“Frankl says we detect rather than invent our missions in life.” ( :64)

“In Frankl’s words, “Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone’s task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it.” ( :64)

“Our meaning comes from within. Again, in the words of Frankl, “Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”” ( :64)

“But fundamentally, your mission statement becomes your constitution, the solid expression of your vision and values. It becomes the criterion by which you measure everything else in your life.” ( :64)

“As you do, other people begin to sense that you’re not being driven by everything that happens to you. You have a sense of mission about what you’re trying to do and you are excited” ( :64)

“THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart about it.” ( :65)

“The left deals with words, the right with pictures; the left with parts and specifics, the right with wholes and the relationship between the parts. The left deals with analysis, which means to break apart; the right with synthesis, which means to put together. The left deals with sequential thinking; the right with simultaneous and holistic thinking. The left is time bound; the right is time free.” ( :65)

“nail” ( :65)

“”What’s really important? Why am I doing what I’m doing? But if you’re proactive, you don’t have to wait for circumstances or other people to create perspective-expanding experiences. You can consciously create your own.” ( :66)

“. “Assume you only have this one semester to live,” I tell my students, “and that during this semester you are to stay in school as a good student. Visualize how you would spend your semester.” ( :66)

“school as a good student. Visualize how you would spend your semester. Things are suddenly placed in a different perspective. Values quickly surface that before weren’t even recognized.” ( :66)

“I have also asked students to live with that expanded perspective for a week and keep a diary of their experiences. The results are very revealing. They start writing to parents to tell them how much they love and appreciate them. They reconcile with a brother, a sister, a friend where the relationship has deteriorated.” ( :66)

“deteriorated. The dominant, central theme of their activities, the underlying principle, is love. The futility of bad-mouthing, bad thinking, put-downs, and accusation becomes very evident when they think in terms of having only a short time to live. Principles and values become more evident to everybody. There are a number of techniques using your imagination that can put you in touch with your values. But the net effect of every one I have ever used is the same. When people seriously undertake to identify what really matters most to them in their lives, what they really want to be and to do, they become very reverent. They start to think in larger terms than today and tomorrow.” ( :66)

“A good affirmation has five basic ingredients: it’s personal, it’s positive, it’s present tense, it’s visual, and it’s emotional.” ( :66)

“affirmation has five basic ingredients: it’s personal, it’s positive, it’s present tense, it’s visual, and it’s emotional. So I might write something like this: “It is deeply satisfying (emotional) that I (personal) respond (present tense) with wisdom, love, firmness, and self-control (positive) when my children misbehave.”” ( :66)

“And if I do this, day after day my behavior will change. Instead of living out of the scripts given to me by my own parents or by society or by genetics or my environment, I will be living out of the script I have written from my own self-selected value system.” ( :67)

“We discovered that the nature of the visualization is very important. If you visualize the wrong thing, you’ll produce the wrong thing.” ( :67)

“One of the main things his research showed was that almost all of the world-class athletes and other peak performers are visualizers. They see it; they feel it; they experience it before they actually do it. They Begin with the End in Mind.” ( :67)

“Your creative, visual right brain is one of your most important assets, both in creating your personal mission statement and in integrating it into your life.” ( :67)

“One executive has used the idea of roles and goals to create the following mission statement: My mission is to live with integrity and to make a difference in the lives of others. To fulfill this mission: I have charity: I seek out and love the one — each one — regardless of his situation. I sacrifice: I devote my time, talents, and resources to my mission. I inspire: I teach by example that we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father and that every Goliath can be overcome. I am impactful: What I do makes a difference in the lives of others.” ( :68)

“These roles take priority in achieving my mission:” ( :68)

“Husband — my partner is the most important person in my life. Together we contribute the fruits of harmony, industry, charity, and thrift. Father — I help my children experience progressively greater joy in their lives. Son/Brother — I am frequently “there” for support and love. Christian — God can count on me to keep my covenants and to serve his other children. Neighbor — The love of Christ is visible through my actions toward others. Change Agent — I am a catalyst for developing high performance in large organizations. Scholar — I learn important new things every day.” ( :69)

“They will be in harmony with correct principles, with natural laws, which gives you greater power to achieve them. They are not someone else’s goals you have absorbed. They are your goals. They reflect your deepest values, your unique talent, your sense of mission. And they grow out of your chosen roles in life.” ( :69)

“The core of any family is what is changeless, what is always going to be there — shared vision and values. By writing a family mission statement, you give expression to its true foundation.” ( :69)

“When we read the phrases about the sounds of love in our home, order, responsible independence, cooperation, helpfulness, meeting needs, developing talents, showing interest in each other’s talents, and giving service to others it gives us some criteria to know how we’re doing in the things that matter most to us as a family.” ( :70)

“the dignity of the individual, excellence, and service.” ( :70)

“service were available. The man at the desk said, “No, Mr. Covey, but if you’re interested, I could go back and get a sandwich or a salad or whatever you’d like that we have in the kitchen.” His attitude was one of total concern about my comfort and welfare. “Would you like to see your convention room?” he continued. “Do you have everything you need? What can I do for you? I’m here to serve you.”” ( :71)

“I went through the back door into the kitchen, where I saw the central value: “Uncompromising personalized service.” I finally went to the manager and said, “My business is helping organizations develop a powerful team character, a team culture. I am amazed at what you have here.”” ( :71)

“”Do you want to see the one for this hotel?” he asked. “Do you mean you developed one just for this hotel?” “Yes.” “Different from the one for the hotel chain?” “Yes. It’s in harmony with that statement, but this one pertains to our situation, our environment, our time.” He handed me another paper. “Who developed this mission statement?” I asked. “Everybody,” he replied.” ( :71)

“THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart “Everybody? Really, everybody?” “Yes.” “Housekeepers?” “Yes.” “Waitresses?” “Yes.” “Desk clerks?”” ( :72)

“The mission statement for that hotel was the hub of a great wheel. It spawned the thoughtful, more specialized mission statements of particular groups of employees. It was used as the criterion for every decision that was made. It clarified what those people stood for — how they related to the customer, how they related to each other. It affected the style of the managers and the leaders. It affected the compensation system. It affected the kind of people they recruited and how they trained and developed them. Every aspect of that organization, essentially, was a function of that hub, that mission statement.” ( :72)

“But the thing that impressed me the very most was to see an employee, on his own, admit a mistake to his boss. We ordered room service, and were told when it would be delivered to the room. On the way to our room, the room service person spilled the hot chocolate, and it took a few extra minutes to go back” ( :72)

“ay to our room, the room service person spilled the hot chocolate, and it took a few extra minutes to go back and change the linen on the tray and replace the drink. So the room service was about fifteen minutes late, which was really not that important to us. Nevertheless, the next morning the room service manager phoned us to apologize and invited us to have either the buffet breakfast or a room service breakfast, compliments of the hotel, to in some way compensate for the inconvenience. What does it say about the culture of an organization when an employee admits his own mistake, unknown to anyone else, to the manager so that customer or guest is better taken care of!” ( :72)

“One of the fundamental problems in organizations, including families, is that people are not committed to the determinations of other people for their lives. They simply don’t buy into them.” ( :72)

“When I begin work with companies that have already developed some kind of mission statement, I ask them, “How many of the people here know that you have a mission statement? How many of you know what it contains? How many were involved in creating it? How many really buy into it and use it as your frame of reference in making decisions?”” ( :72)

“as your frame of reference in making decisions?” Without involvement, there is no commitment.” ( :72)

“It creates in people’s hearts and minds a frame of reference, a set of criteria or guidelines, by which they will govern themselves. They don’t need someone else directing, controlling, criticizing, or taking cheap shots. They have bought into the changeless core of what the organization is about.” ( :73)

Habit 3: Put First Things First — Principles of Personal Management

“Question 1: What one thing could you do (you aren’t doing now) that if you did on a regular basis, would make a tremendous positive difference in your personal life? Question 2: What one thing in your business or professional life would bring similar results?” ( :73)

“Habit 3, then, is the second creation — the physical creation. It’s the fulfillment, the actualization, the natural emergence of Habits 1 and 2. It’s the exercise of independent will toward becoming principle-centered. It’s the day-in, day-out, moment-by-moment doing it.” ( :74)

“Management is the breaking down, the analysis, the sequencing, the specific application, the time-bound left-brain aspect of effective self-government. My own maxim of personal effectiveness is this: Manage from the left; lead from the right.” ( :74)

“Effective management is putting first things first. While leadership decides what “first things” are,” ( :74)

“THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart it is management that puts them first, day-by-day, moment-by-moment. Management is discipline, carrying it out.” ( :75)

“”The Common Denominator of Success,” written by E. M. Gray.” ( :75)

“”The successful person has the habit of doing the things failures don’t like to do,” he observed. “They don’t like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose.”” ( :75)

“But Quadrant I consumes many people. They are crisis managers, problem-minded people, the deadline-driven producers.” ( :76)

“People who spend time almost exclusively in Quadrants III and IV basically lead irresponsible lives. Effective people stay out of Quadrants III and IV because, urgent or not, they aren’t important. They also shrink Quadrant I down to size by spending more time in Quadrant II.” ( :77)

“With the Time Management Matrix in mind, take a moment now and consider how you answered the questions at the beginning of this chapter. What quadrant do they fit in? Are they important? Are they urgent?” ( :77)

“roots, doing the preventive things that keep situations from developing into crises in the first place. In the time management jargon, this is called the Pareto Principle — 80 percent of the results flow out of 20 percent of the activities.” ( :78)

“Keep in mind that you are always saying “no” to something. If it isn’t to the apparent, urgent things in your life, it is probably to the more fundamental, highly important things. Even when the urgent is good, the good can keep you from your best, keep you from your unique contributions, if you let it.” ( :78)

“Then he said, “Stephen, to do the jobs that you want done right would take several days. Which of these projects would you like me to delay or cancel to satisfy your request?” Well, I didn’t want to take the responsibility for that. I didn’t want to put a cog in the wheel of one of the most productive people on the staff just because I happened to be managing by crisis at the time. The jobs I wanted done were urgent, but not important. So I went and found another crisis manager and gave the job to him.” ( :79)

“Externally imposed disciplines and schedules give people the feeling that they aren’t responsible for results.” ( :80)

“give people the feeling that they aren’t responsible for results. But first-generation managers, by definition, are not effective people. They produce very little, and their life-style does nothing to build their Production Capability. Buffeted by outside forces, they are often seen as undependable and irresponsible, and they have very little sense of control and self-esteem. Second-generation managers assume a little more control. They plan and schedule in advance and generally are seen as more responsible because they “show up” when they’re supposed to. But again, the activities they schedule have no priority or recognized correlation to deeper values and goals. They have few significant achievements and tend to be schedule-oriented. Third-generation managers take a significant step forward. They clarify their values and set goals. They plan each day and prioritize their activities. As I have said, this is where most of the time-” ( :80)

“A Quadrant II organizer will need to meet six important criteria.” ( :81)

“Coherence:” ( :81)

“Balance:” ( :81)

“the fundamental thrust is organizing the week. Organizing on a weekly basis provides much greater balance and context than daily planning.” ( :81)

“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities. And this can best be done in the context of the week.” ( :81)

“Returning once more to the computer metaphor, if Habit 1 says “You’re the programmer” and Habit 2 says “Write the program,” then Habit 3 says “Run the program,” “Live the program.”” ( :83)

“Again, you simply can’t think efficiency with people. You think effectiveness with people and efficiency with things. I’ve tried to be “efficient” with a disagreeing or disagreeable person and it simply doesn’t work. I’ve tried to give 10 minutes of “quality time” to a child or an employee to solve a problem, only to discover such “efficiency” creates new problems and seldom resolves the deepest concern.” ( :84)

“The practical thread running through all five of these advances is a primary focus on relationships and results and a secondary focus on time.” ( :85)

“Public Victory and could well be included in Habit 4. But because we are focusing here on principles of personal management, and the ability to delegate to others is the main difference between the role of manager and independent producer, I am approaching delegation from the standpoint of your personal managerial skills.” ( :85)

“A producer can invest one hour of effort and produce one unit of results, assuming no loss of efficiency. A manager, on the other hand, can invest one hour of effort and produce 10 or 50 or 100 units through effective delegation.” ( :85)

“But the more I thought about our limited footage and her inexperience with the camera, the more concerned I became. I finally said, “Look, Sandra, just push the button when I tell you. Okay? And I spent the next few minutes yelling, “Take it! — Take it! — Don’t take it! — Don’t take it!” I was afraid that if I didn’t direct her every move every second, it wouldn’t be done right. That was true gofer delegation, one-on-one supervision of methods. Many people consistently delegate that way. But how much does it really accomplish? And how many people is it possible to supervise or manage when you have to be involved in every move they make?” ( :86)

“delegate that way. But how much does it really accomplish? And how many people is it possible to supervise or manage when you have to be involved in every move they make? There’s a much better way, a more effective way to delegate to other people. And it’s based on a paradigm of appreciation of the self-awareness, the imagination, the conscience, and the free will of other people.” ( :86)

“and makes them responsible for results. It takes more time in the beginning, but it’s time well invested. You can move the fulcrum over, you can increase your leverage, through stewardship delegation.” ( :86)

“Desired Results:” ( :86)

“what, not how; results, not methods.” ( :86)

“Guidelines:” ( :86)

“Guidelines: Identify the parameters within which the individual should operate. These should be as few as possible to avoid methods delegation, but should include any formidable restrictions. You won’t want a person to think he had considerable latitude as long as he accomplished the objectives, only to violate some long-standing traditional practice or value. That kills initiative and sends people back to the gofer’s creed: “Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”” ( :86)

“hat not to do, but don’t tell them what to do.” ( :86)

“Resources:” ( :86)

“Accountability: Set up the standards of performance that will be used in evaluating the results and the specific times when” ( :86)

“Consequences:” ( :86)

“jobs that flowed out of those goals. Then I asked for volunteers to do the job. “Who wants to pay the mortgage?” I asked. I noticed I was the only one with my hand up. “Who wants to pay for the insurance? The food? The cars?” I seemed to have a real monopoly on the opportunities. “Who wants to feed the new baby?” There was more interest here, but my wife was the only one with the right qualifications for the job. As we went down the list, job by job, it was soon evident that Mom and Dad had more than sixty-hour work weeks. With that paradigm in mind, some of the other jobs took on a more proper perspective. My seven-year-old son, Stephen, volunteered to take care of the yard. Before I actually gave him a job, I began a thorough training process. I wanted him to have a clear picture in his mind of what a well-cared-for yard was like, so I took him next door to our neighbor’s.” ( :87)

“well-cared-for yard was like, so I took him next door to our neighbor’s. “Look, son,” I said. “See how our neighbor’s yard is green and clean? That’s what we’re after: green and clean. Now come look at our yard. See the mixed colors? That’s not it; that’s not green. Green and clean is what we want. Now how you get it green is up to you. You’re free to do it any way you want, except paint it. But I’ll tell you how I’d do it if it were up to me.”” ( :87)

“your boss?” “You, Dad?” “No, not me. You’re the boss. You boss yourself. How do you like Mom and Dad nagging you all the time?” “I don’t” ( :87)

“”We don’t like doing it either. It sometimes causes a bad feeling doesn’t it? So you boss yourself. Now, guess who your helper is.” “Who?” “I am,” I said. “You boss me.” “I do?” “That’s right. But my time to help is limited. Sometimes I’m away. But when I’m here, you tell me how I can help. I’ll do anything you want me to do.” “Okay!” “Now guess who judges you.”” ( :87)

“”Who?” “You judge yourself.” “I do?” “That’s right.” ( :88)

“coming. How are you going to judge?” “Green and clean.” “Right!” I trained him with those two words for two weeks before I felt he was ready to take the job. Finally, the big day came. “Is it a deal, Son?” “It’s a deal.” “What’s the job?” “Green and clean.” “What’s green?” He looked at our yard, which was beginning to look better. Then he pointed next door. “That’s the color of his yard.” “What’s clean?” “No messes.” “Who’s the boss?” “I am.” “Who’s your helper?” “You are, when you have time.” “Who’s the judge?” “I am. We’ll walk around two times a week and I can show you how it’s coming.” “And what will we look for?” “Green and clean.”” ( :88)

“So he felt justified in breaking it, too. “Fine, Dad.” I bit my tongue and waited until after dinner. Then I said, “Son, let’s do as we agreed. Let’s walk around the yard together and you can show me how it’s going in your stewardship.” As we started out the door, his chin began to quiver. Tears welled up in his eyes and, by the time we got out to the middle of the yard, he was whimpering. “It’s so hard, Dad!” What’s so hard? I thought to myself. You haven’t done a single thing! But I knew what was hard — self management, self-supervision. So I said, “Is there anything I can do to help?” “Would you, Dad?” he sniffed “What was our agreement?” “You said you’d help me if you had time.” “I have time.”” ( :89)

“So I did. I did exactly what he asked me to do. And that was when he signed the agreement in his heart. It became his yard, his stewardship. He only asked for help two or three more times that entire summer. He took care of that yard. He kept it greener and cleaner than it had ever been under my stewardship. He even reprimanded his brothers and sisters if they left so much as a gum wrapper on the lawn.” ( :89)

“With immature people, you specify fewer desired results and more guidelines, identify more resources, conduct more frequent accountability interviews, and apply more immediate consequences. With more mature people, you have more challenging desired results, fewer guidelines, less frequent accountability, and less measurable but more discernible criteria.” ( :89)

“Interestingly, every one of the Seven Habits is in Quadrant II.” ( :90)

“Before moving into the area of Public Victory, we should remember that effective interdependence can only be built on a foundation of true independence. Private Victory precedes Public Victory. Algebra comes before calculus.” ( :91)

“Private Victory precedes Public Victory. Self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others.” ( :92)

“Some people say that you have to like yourself before you can like others. I think that idea has merit, but if you don’t know yourself, if you don’t control yourself, if you don’t have mastery over yourself, it’s very hard to like yourself, except in some short-term, psych-up, superficial way.” ( :92)

“Real self-respect comes from dominion over self, from true independence. And that’s the focus of Habits 1, 2, and 3. Independence is an achievement. Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make. Unless we are willing to achieve real independence, it’s foolish to try to develop human-relations skills. We might try. We might even have some degree of success when the sun is shining. But when the difficult times come — and they will — we won’t have the foundation to keep things together.” ( :92)

“If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you’ll get my meaning anyway. You won’t make me “an offender for a word.” When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective. But if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn. The trust level gets very low. Then what flexibility do I have?” ( :93)

“Now, suppose this son is in the process of making some important decisions that will affect the rest of his life. But the trust level is so low and the communication process so closed, mechanical, and unsatisfying that he simply will not be open to your counsel.” ( :93)

“But one summer, he took his son to see every major league team play one game. The trip took over six weeks and cost a great deal of money, but it became a powerful bonding experience in their relationship.” ( :94)

“As one successful parent said about raising children, “Treat them all the same by treating them differently.”” ( :95)

“When expectations are not clear and shared, people begin to become emotionally involved and simple misunderstandings become compounded, turning into personality clashes and communication breakdowns.” ( :97)

“Personal integrity generates trust and is the basis of many different kinds of deposits.” ( :97)

“Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty. Honesty is telling the truth — in other words, conforming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words — in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.” ( :97)

“It is the love and the discipline of the one student, the one child, that communicates love for the others. It’s how you treat the one that reveals how you regard the ninety-nine, because everyone is ultimately a one.” ( :98)

“”It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.”” ( :100)

“Many interactions change from transactional to transformational, and strong bonds of love and trust are created as children sense the value parents give to their problems and to them as individuals.” ( :101)

Habit 4: Think Win-Win — Principles of Interpersonal Leadership

“And what happens to a young mind and heart, highly vulnerable, highly dependent upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents, in the face of conditional love? The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the win-lose mentality. “If I’m better than my brother, my parents will love me more.” “My parents don’t love me as much as they love my sister. I must not be as valuable.”” ( :104)

“”Who’s winning in your marriage?” is a ridiculous question. If both people aren’t winning, both are losing.” ( :104)

“Lose-win is worse than win-lose because it has no standards — no demands, no expectations, no vision.” ( :105)

“Disproportionate rage or anger, overreaction to minor provocation, and cynicism are other embodiments of suppressed emotion.” ( :105)

“If you value a relationship and the issue isn’t really that important, you may want to go for lose-win in some circumstances to genuinely affirm the other person. “What I want isn’t as important to me as my relationship with you. Let’s do it your way this time.” You might also go for lose-win if you feel the expense of time and effort to achieve a win of any kind would violate other higher values. Maybe it just isn’t worth it.” ( :106)

“As we considered the various alternatives, win-win appeared to be the only truly realistic approach. “I guess that’s true with customers,” he admitted, “but not with suppliers.” “You are the customer of the supplier,” I said. “Why doesn’t the same principle apply?” “Well, we recently renegotiated our lease agreements with the mall operators and owners,” he said. “We went in with a win-win attitude. We were open, reasonable, conciliatory. But they saw that position as being soft and weak, and they took us to the cleaners.”” ( :107)

“”Well, why did you go for lose-win?” I asked. “We didn’t. We went for win-win.” “I thought you said they took you to the cleaners.” “They did.” “In other words, you lost.” “That’s right.” “And they won.” “That’s right.” “So what’s that called?”” ( :107)

“even higher expression of win-win, Win-Win or No Deal.” ( :107)

“”So I told him ‘We have a contract. Your bank has secured our products and our services to convert you to this program. But we understand that you’re not happy about it. So what we’d like to do is give you back the contract, give you back your deposit, and if you are ever looking for a software solution in the future, come back and see us.'” ( :108)

“”I literally walked away from an $84,000 contract. It was close to financial suicide. But I felt that, in the long run, if the principle were true, it would come back and pay dividends.” ( :108)

“long run, if the principle were true, it would come back and pay dividends. “Three months later, the new president called me. ‘I’m now going to make changes in my date processing,’ he said, ‘and I want to do business with you.’ He signed a contract for $240,000.” Anything less than win-win in an interdependent reality is a poor second best that will have impact in the long-term relationship. The cost of the impact needs to be carefully considered. If you can’t reach a true win-win, you’re very often better off to go for no deal.” ( :108)

“To compensate for my lack of internal maturity and emotional strength, I might borrow strength from my position and power, or from my credentials, my seniority, my affiliation. If I’m high on consideration and low on courage, I’ll think lose-win. I’ll be so considerate of your convictions and desires that I won’t have the courage to express and actualize my own. High courage and consideration are both essential to win-win. It is the balance that is the mark of real maturity. If I have it, I can listen, I can empathically understand, but I can also courageously confront.” ( :110)

“Anwar Sadat, In Search of Identity, and seeing movies like Chariots of Fire or plays like Les Miserables that expose you to models of win-win.” ( :111)

“Or I might become “maliciously obedient” and do exactly and only what you tell me to do, accepting no responsibility for results.” ( :112)

“But if the trust account is high, what is your method? Get out of their way. As long as you have an up-front Win-Win Agreement and they know exactly what is expected, your role is to be a source of help and to receive their accountability reports.” ( :113)

“accounting? What about marketing? What about real estate loans?” And we went down the list. They finally came up with over 100 objectives, which we simplified, reduced, and consolidated until we came down to 39 specific behavioral objectives with criteria attached to them” ( :113)

“These trainees cooperated with each other, brainstormed with each other, and they accomplished the additional objectives in a week and a half. The six-month program was reduced to five weeks, and the results were significantly increased. This kind of thinking can similarly affect every area of organizational life if people have the courage to explore their paradigms and to concentrate on win-win. I am always amazed at the results that happen, both to individuals and to organizations, when responsible, proactive, self-directing individuals are turned loose on a task.” ( :114)

“. Following a deep and thorough discussion of expectations, guidelines, and resources to make sure they are in harmony with organizational goals, the employee writes a letter to the manager that summarizes the discussion and indicates when the next performance plan or review discussion will take place.” ( :115)

“Unless people are in a survival mode, psychic compensation is often more motivating than financial compensation.” ( :115)

“There are basically four kinds of consequences (rewards and penalties) that management or parents can control — financial, psychic, opportunity, and responsibility. Financial consequences include such things as income, stock options, allowances, or penalties. Psychic or psychological consequences include recognition, approval, respect, credibility, or the loss of them. Unless people are in a survival mode, psychic compensation is often more motivating than financial compensation. Opportunity includes training, development, perks, and other benefits. Responsibility has to do with scope and authority, either of which can be enlarged or diminished.” ( :115)

“Win-Win Agreements are tremendously liberating. But as the product of isolated techniques, they won’t hold up. Even if you set them up in the beginning, there is no way to maintain them without personal integrity and relationship of trust. A true Win-Win Agreement is the product of the paradigm, the character, and the relationships out of which it grows. In this context, it defines and directs the interdependent interaction of which it was created.” ( :116)

“The remarkable thing was that almost all of the 800 who received the awards that year had produced as much per person in terms of volume and profit as the previous year’s 40. The spirit of win-win had significantly increased the number of golden eggs and had fed the goose as well, releasing enormous human energy and talent. The resulting synergy was astounding to almost everyone involved.” ( :117)

“mind: What caused the attitude? “Look, we’re on top of the problem,” the president said. “We have department heads out there setting a great example. We’ve told them their job is two-thirds selling and one-third management, and they’re outselling everybody. We just want you to provide some training for the salespeople. Those words raised a red flag. “Let’s get some more data,” I said. He didn’t like that. He “knew” what the problem was, and he wanted to get on with training. But I persisted, and within two days we uncovered the real problem. Because of the job definition and the compensation system, the managers were “creaming.” They’d stand behind the cash register and cream all the business during the slow times. Half the time in retail is slow and the other half is frantic. So the managers would give all the dirty jobs — inventory control, stock work, and cleaning — to the salespeople. And they would stand behind the registers and cream. That’s why the department heads were top in sales.” ( :117)

“So often the problem is in the system, not in the people. If you put good people in bad systems, you get bad results. You have to water the flowers you want to grow.” ( :118)

“Win-win puts the responsibility on the individual for accomplishing specified results within clear guidelines and available resources. It makes a person accountable to perform and evaluate the results and provides consequences as a natural result of performance. And win-win systems create the environment which supports and reinforces the Win-Win Agreements.” ( :118)

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

“”That person just doesn’t understand.” A father once told me, “I can’t understand my kid. He just won’t listen to me at all.” “Let me restate what you just said,” I replied. “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?” “That’s right,” he replied. “Let me try again,” I said. “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?” “That’s what I said,” he impatiently replied. “I thought that to understand another person, you needed to listen to him,” I suggested. “OH!” he said. There was a long pause. “Oh!” he said again, as the light began to dawn. “Oh, yeah! But I do understand him. I know what he’s going through. I went through the same thing myself. I guess what I don’t understand is why he won’t listen to me.”” ( :121)

“Empathic listening involves much more than registering, reflecting, or even understanding the words that are said. Communications experts estimate, in fact, that only 10 percent of our communication is represented by the words we say. Another 30 percent is represented by our sounds, and 60 percent by our body language. In empathic listening, you listen with your ears, but you also, and more importantly, listen with your eyes and with your heart. You listen for feeling, for meaning. You listen for behavior. You use your right brain as well as your left. You sense, you intuit, you feel.” ( :122)

“If all the air were suddenly sucked out of the room you’re in right now, what would happen to your interest in this book? You wouldn’t care about the book; you wouldn’t care about anything except getting air. Survival would be your only motivation. But now that you have air, it doesn’t motivate you. This is one of the greatest insights in the field of human motivations: Satisfied needs do not motivate. It’s only the unsatisfied need that motivates. Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival — to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated.” ( :122)

“The amateur salesman sells products; the professional sells solutions to needs and problems. It’s a totally different approach. The professional learns how to diagnose, how to understand. He” ( :124)

“Because we listen autobiographically, we tend to respond in one of four ways. We evaluate — we either agree or disagree; we probe — we ask questions from our own frame of reference; we advise — we give counsel based on our own experience; or we interpret — we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior.” ( :124)

“”I was working with a small company that was in the process of negotiating a contract with a large national banking institution. This institution flew in their lawyers from San Francisco, their negotiator from Ohio, and presidents of two of their large banks to create an eight-person negotiating team. The company I worked with had decided to go for Win-Win or No Deal. They wanted to significantly increase the level of service and the cost, but they had been almost overwhelmed with the demands of this large financial institution. “The president of our company sat across the negotiating table and told them, ‘We would like for you to write the contract the way you want it so that we can make sure we understand your needs and your concerns. We will respond to those needs and concerns. Then we can talk about pricing.’ “The members of the negotiating team were overwhelmed. They were astounded that they were going to have the opportunity to write the contract. They took three days to come up with the idea. “When they presented it, the president said, ‘Now let’s make sure we understand what you want.’ And he went down the contract, rephrasing the content, reflecting the feeling, until he was sure and they were sure he understood what was important to them. ‘Yes. That’s right. No, that’s not exactly what we meant here…yes, you’ve got it now.'” ( :130)

“The early Greeks had a magnificent philosophy which is embodied in three sequentially arranged words: ethos, pathos, and logos.” ( :130)

“”Why do I have to go through all that?” he asked “In other words, you want him to change his whole leadership style and you’re not willing to change your method of presentation?” “I guess so,” he replied. “Well, then,” I said, “just smile about it and learn to live with it.” “I can’t live with it,” he said. “It compromises my integrity.” “Okay, then get to work on an effective presentation. That’s in your Circle of Influence.” In the end, he wouldn’t do it. The investment seemed too great.” ( :131)

“It’s the Inside-Out approach. And as you do it, watch what happens to your Circle of Influence. Because you really listen, you become influenceable. And being influenceable is the key to influencing others. Your circle begins to expand. You increase your ability to influence many of the things in your Circle of Concern. And watch what happens to you. The more deeply you understand other people, the more you will appreciate them, the more reverent you will feel about them. To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground.” ( :132)

Habit 6: Synergize

“What is synergy? Simply defined, it means that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” ( :134)

“parts. It means that the relationship which the parts have to each other is a part in and of itself. It is not only a part, but the most catalytic, the most empowering, the most unifying, and the most exciting part.” ( :134)

“You’re not sure when you engage in synergistic communication how things will work out or what the end will look like, but you do have an inward sense of excitement and security and adventure, believing that it will be significantly better than it was before. And that is the end that you have in mind.” ( :135)

“This represents one of the great tragedies and wastes in life, because so much potential remains untapped — completely undeveloped and unused. Ineffective people live day after day with unused potential. They experience synergy only in small, peripheral ways in their lives. They may have memories of some unusual creative experiences, perhaps in athletics, where they were involved in a real team spirit for a period of time. Or perhaps they were in an emergency situation where people cooperated to an unusually high degree and submerged ego and pride in an effort to save someone’s life or to produce a solution to a crisis. To many, such events may seem unusual, almost out of character with life, even miraculous. But this is not so. These things can be produced regularly, consistently, almost daily in people’s lives. But it requires enormous personal security and openness and a spirit of adventure.” ( :135)

“I’ll never forget a university class I taught in leadership philosophy and style. We were about three weeks into a semester when, in the middle of a presentation, one person started to relate some very powerful personal experiences which were both emotional and insightful. A spirit of humility and reverence fell upon the class — reverence toward this individual and appreciation for his courage.” ( :135)

“We abandoned the old syllabus, the purchased textbooks, and all the presentation plans, and we set up new purposes and projects and assignments. We became so excited about what was happening that in about three more weeks, we all sensed an overwhelming desire to share what was happening with others We decided to write a book containing our learnings and insights on the subject of our study — principles of leadership. Assignments were changed, new projects undertaken, new teams formed. People worked much harder than they ever would have in the original class structure, and for an entirely different set of reasons Out of this experience emerged” ( :136)

“ended up in insights and plans that no one had anticipated initially. As Carl Rogers taught, “That which is most personal is most general.”” ( :136)

“The resulting corporate mission statement reads: Our Mission is to empower people and organizations to significantly increase their performance capability in order to achieve worthwhile purposes through understanding and living Principle-Centered Leadership.” ( :137)

“As I talked with the committee members about the power of synergy, they could sense its potential. With considerable trepidation, they agreed to change the pattern. They requested various executives to prepare anonymous “white papers” on each of the high priority issues, and then asked all the executives to immerse themselves in these papers ahead of time in order to understand the issues and the differing points of view. They were to come to the meeting prepared to listen rather than to present, prepared to create and synergize rather than to defend and protect. We spent the first half-day in the meeting teaching the principles and practicing the skills of Habits 4, 5, and 6. The rest of the time was spent in creative synergy. The release of creative energy was incredible. Excitement replaced boredom. People became very open to each other’s influence and generated new insights and options. By the end of the meeting an entirely new understanding of the nature of the central company challenge evolved. The white paper proposals became obsolete. Differences were valued and transcended. A new common vision began to form.” ( :137)

“”If a person of your intelligence and competence and commitment disagrees with me, then there must be something to your disagreement that I don’t understand, and I need to understand it. You have a perspective, a frame of reference I need to look at.” Nonprotective interaction developed,” ( :138)

“The lowest level of communication coming out of low-trust situations would be characterized by defensiveness, protectiveness, and often legalistic language, which covers all the bases and spells out qualifiers and the escape clauses in the event things go sour. Such communication produces only win-lose or lose-lose. It isn’t effective — there’s no P/PC Balance — and it creates further reasons to defend and protect. The middle position is respectful communication. This is the level where fairly mature people interact. They have respect for each other, but they want to avoid the possibility of ugly confrontations, so they communicate politely but not empathically. They might understand each other intellectually, but they really don’t deeply look at the paradigms and assumptions underlying their own opinions and become open to new possibilities. Respectful communication works” ( :138)

“Respectful communication works in independent situations and even in interdependent situations, but the creative possibilities are not opened up. In interdependent situations compromise is the position usually taken. Compromise means that 1 + 1 + 1 = 1/2. Both give and take. The communication isn’t defensive or protective or angry or manipulative; it is honest and genuine and respectful. But it isn’t creative or synergistic. It produces a low form of win-win. Synergy means that 1 + 1 may equal 8, 16, or even 1,600. The synergistic position of high trust produces solutions better than any originally proposed, and all parties know it. Furthermore, they genuinely enjoy the creative enterprise. A miniculture is formed to satisfy in and of itself. Even if it is short-lived, the P/PC Balance is there.” ( :138)

“As they disagree, back and forth, they finally may come up with some kind of compromise. They may decide to split up — he takes the boys fishing at the lake while she visits her mother. And they both feel guilty and unhappy. The boys sense it, and it affects their enjoyment of the vacation. The husband may give in to his wife, but he does it grudgingly. And consciously or unconsciously, he produces evidence to fulfill his prophecy of how miserable the week will be for everyone. The wife may give in to her husband, but she’s withdrawn and overreactive to any new developments in her mother’s health situation. If her mother were to become seriously ill and die, the husband could never forgive himself, and she couldn’t forgive him either.” ( :139)

“”Maybe we could arrange another time within the month for you to visit with your mother,” he suggests. “I could take over the home responsibilities for the weekend and arrange for some help at the first of the week so that you could go. I know it’s important to you to have that time. “Or maybe we could locate a place to camp and fish that would be close to your mother. The area wouldn’t be as nice, but we could still be outdoors and meet other needs as well. And the boys wouldn’t be climbing the walls. We could even plan some recreational activities with the cousins, aunts, and uncles, which would be an added benefit.” They synergize. They communicate back and forth until they come up with a solution they both feel good about. It’s better than the solutions either of them originally proposed. It’s better than compromise. It’s a synergistic solution that builds P and PC.” ( :140)

“One day I was presenting a seminar which I titled, “Manage from the Left, Lead from the Right” to a company in Orlando, Florida” ( :141)

“If two people have the same opinion, one is unnecessary. It’s not going to do me any good at all to communicate with someone else who sees only the old woman also. I don’t want to talk, to communicate, with someone who agrees with me; I want to communicate with you because you see it differently. I value that difference.” ( :143)

“often-quoted fable called “The Animal School,” written by educator Dr. R. H. Reeves.” ( :143)

“New World,” so they organized a school. They adopted an activity curriculum consisting of running, climbing, swimming, and flying. To make it easier to administer, all animals took all the subjects. The duck was excellent in swimming, better in fact than his instructor, and made excellent grades in flying, but he was very poor in running. Since he was low in running he had to stay after school and also drop swimming to practice running. This was kept up until his web feet were badly worn and he was only average in swimming. But average was acceptable in school, so nobody worried about that except the duck. The rabbit started at the top of the class in running, but had a nervous breakdown because of so much makeup in swimming. The squirrel was excellent in climbing until he developed frustrations in the flying class where his teacher made him start from the ground up instead of from the tree-top down. He also developed charley horses from over-exertion and he got a C in climbing and a D in running. The eagle was a problem child and had to be disciplined severely. In climbing class he beat all the others to the top of the tree, but insisted on using his own way of getting there. At the end of the year, an abnormal eel that could swim exceedingly” ( :143)

“At the end of the year, an abnormal eel that could swim exceedingly well and also could run, climb and fly a little had the highest average and was valedictorian.” ( :143)

“The resulting up and down, yo-yo effect causes you to feel, after several attempts, that people are “just the way they are” and that “it’s too difficult to change.”” ( :144)

“For the first hour and a half, I taught Habits 4, 5, and 6. At 9:30 I went to the blackboard and wrote down the bank’s concerns based on our prior understanding. Initially the bank officials said nothing, but the more we communicated win-win intentions and sought first to understand, the more they opened up to explain and clarify. As they began to feel understood, the whole atmosphere changed and a sense of momentum, of excitement over the prospect of peacefully settling the problem was clearly evident. Over the attorney’s objections the bank officials opened up even more, even about personal concerns. “When we walk out of” ( :145)

“Although you cannot control the paradigms of others in an interdependent interaction or the synergistic process itself, a great deal of synergy is within your Circle of Influence.” ( :146)

“feelings, and your experiences in a way that will encourage other people to be open also. You can value the difference in other people. When someone disagrees with you, you can say, “Good! You see it differently.” You don’t have to agree with them; you can simply affirm them. And you can seek to understand.” ( :146)

“When you see only two alternatives — yours and the “wrong” one — you can look for a synergistic Third Alternative. There’s almost always a Third Alternative, and if you work with a win-win philosophy and really seek to understand, you usually can find a solution that will be better for everyone concerned.” ( :146)

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw

“Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things…. I am tempted to think…there are no little things. — Bruce Barton” ( :147)

“It’s renewing the four dimensions of your nature — physical, spiritual, mental, and social/emotional.” ( :147)

“Most of us think we don’t have enough time to exercise. What a distorted paradigm! We don’t have time not to. We’re talking about three to six hours a week — or a minimum of thirty minutes a day, every other day. That hardly seems an inordinate amount of time considering the tremendous benefits in terms of the impact on the other 162-165 hours of the week.” ( :148)

“”Almost all the benefit of the exercise comes at the very end, Stephen,” he replied. “I’m trying to build strength. And that doesn’t happen until the muscle fiber ruptures and the nerve fiber registers the pain. Then nature overcompensates and within 48 hours, the fiber is made stronger.”” ( :149)

“”Oh good! It’s raining! I get to develop my willpower as well as my body!”” ( :149)

“As you act based on the value of physical well-being instead of reacting to all the forces that keep you from exercising, your paradigm of yourself, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your integrity will be profoundly affected.” ( :149)

“Arthur Gordon shares a wonderful, intimate story of his own spiritual renewal in a little story called “The Turn of the Tide.”” ( :149)

“”Listen carefully.” He thought the doctor was insane. How could he listen for three hours? But he had agreed to follow the doctor’s orders, so he listened. He heard the usual sounds of the sea and the birds. After a while, he could hear the other sounds that weren’t so apparent at first. As he listened, he began to think of lessons the sea had taught him as a child — patience, respect, an awareness of the interdependence of things. He began to listen to the sounds — and the silence — and to feel a growing peace.” ( :150)

“As long as you feel you are serving others, you do the job well. When you are concerned only with helping yourself, you do it less well — a law as inexorable as gravity.”” ( :150)

“only with helping yourself, you do it less well — a law as inexorable as gravity.” When six o’clock came, the final prescription didn’t take long to fill. “Write your worries on the sand,” it said. He knelt and wrote several words with a piece of broken shell; then he turned and walked away. He didn’t look back; he knew the tide would come in.” ( :150)

“This is why I believe a personal mission statement is so important. If we have a deep” ( :150)

“THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart understanding of our center and our purpose, we can review and recommit to it frequently. In our daily spiritual renewal, we can visualize and “live out” the events of the day in harmony with those values.” ( :151)

“Religious leader David O. McKay taught, “The greatest battles of life are fought out daily in the silent chambers of the soul.” If you win the battles there, if you settle the issues that inwardly conflict, you feel a sense of peace, a sense of knowing what you’re about. And you’ll find that the Public Victories — where you tend to think cooperatively, to promote the welfare and good of other people, and to be genuinely happy for other people’s successes — will follow naturally.” ( :151)

“Like the body, television is a good servant but a poor master.” ( :151)

“”The person who doesn’t read is no better off than the person who can’t read.”” ( :151)

“It is said that wars are won in the general’s tent. Sharpening the saw in the first three dimensions — the physical, the spiritual, and the mental — is a practice I call the “Daily Private Victory.” And I commend to you the simple practice of spending one hour a day every day doing it — one hour a day for the rest of your life.” ( :152)

“In the words of Phillips Brooks: Some day, in the years to come, you will be wrestling with the great temptation, or trembling under the great sorrow of your life. But the real struggle is here, now. Now it is being decided whether, in the day of your supreme sorrow or temptation, you shall miserably fail or gloriously conquer. Character cannot be made except by a steady, long continued process.” ( :152)

“”I can see that we’re approaching this situation differently. Why don’t we agree to communicate until we can find a solution we both feel good about. Would you be willing to do that?” Most people would be willing to say “yes” to that.” ( :153)

“Then I move to Habit 5. “Let me listen to you first.” Instead of listening with intent to reply, I listen empathically in order to deeply, thoroughly understand your paradigm. When I can explain your point of view as well as you can, then I focus on communicating my point of view to you so that you can understand it as well.” ( :153)

“can understand it as well. Based on the commitment to search for a solution that we both feel good about and a deep understanding of each other’s points of view, we move to Habit 6. We work together to produce Third Alternative solutions to our differences that we both recognize are better than the ones either you or I proposed initially.” ( :153)

“proposed initially. Success in Habits 4, 5, and 6 is not primarily a matter of intellect; it’s primarily a matter of emotion. It’s highly related to our sense of personal security.” ( :153)

“If we are emotionally insecure, even though we may be intellectually very advanced, practicing Habits 4, 5, and 6 with people who think differently on jugular issues of life can be terribly threatening.” ( :153)

“It comes from within. It comes from accurate paradigms and correct principles deep in our own mind and heart. It comes from Inside-Out congruence, from living a life of integrity in which our daily habits reflect our deepest values.” ( :153)

“habits reflect our deepest values. I believe that a life of integrity is the most fundamental source of personal worth. I do not agree with the popular success literature that says that self-esteem is primarily a matter of mindset, of attitude — that you can psyche yourself into peace of mind. Peace of mind comes when your life is in harmony with true principles and values and in no other way.” ( :153)

“There is intrinsic security that comes from service, from helping other people in a meaningful way. One important source is your work, when you see yourself in a contributive and creative mode, really making a difference. Another source is anonymous service — no one knows it and no one necessarily ever will. And that’s not the concern; the concern is blessing the lives of other people.” ( :153)

“Influence, not recognition, becomes the motive.” ( :153)

“That being a force of nature, instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.” ( :153)

“N. Eldon Tanner has said, “Service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living on this earth.” And there are so many ways to serve. Whether or not we belong to a church or service organization or have a job that provides meaningful service opportunities, not a day goes by that we can’t at least serve one other human being by making deposits of unconditional love.” ( :154)

“At some time in your life, you probably had someone believe in you when you didn’t believe in yourself. He or she scripted you. Did that make a difference in your life.” ( :154)

“One of the classic stories in the field of self-fulfilling prophecies is of a computer in England that was accidentally programmed incorrectly. In academic terms, it labeled a class of “bright” kids “dumb” and a class of supposedly “dumb” kids “bright.” And that computer report was the primary criterion that created the teachers’ paradigms about their students at the beginning of the year. When the administration finally discovered the mistake five-and-a-half months later, they decided to test the kids again without telling anyone what had happened. And the results were amazing. The “bright” kids had gone down significantly in IQ test points. They had been seen and treated as mentally limited, uncooperative, and difficult to teach. The teachers’ paradigms had become a self-fulfilling prophecy.” ( :154)

“These teachers were asked what it was like during the first few weeks of the term. “For some reason, our methods weren’t working,” they replied. “So we had to change our methods.” The information showed that the kids were bright. If things weren’t working well, they figured it had to be the teaching methods. So they worked on methods.” ( :155)

“things weren’t working well, they figured it had to be the teaching methods. So they worked on methods. They were proactive; they worked in their Circle of Influence. Apparent learner disability was nothing more or less than teacher inflexibility.” ( :155)

“Goethe taught, “Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be.”” ( :155)

“I have found organizations whose only thrust is economic — to make money. They usually don’t publicize that purpose. They sometimes even publicize something else. But in their hearts, their only desire is to make money. Whenever I find this, I also find a great deal of negative synergy in the culture, generating such things as interdepartmental rivalries, defensive and protective communication, politicking, and masterminding. We can’t effectively thrive without making money, but that’s not sufficient reason for organizational existence. We can’t live without eating, but we don’t live to eat.” ( :155)

“At the other end of the spectrum, I’ve seen organizations that focused almost exclusively on the social/emotional dimension. They are, in a sense, some kind of social experiment and they have no economic criteria to their value system. They have no measure or gauge of their effectiveness, and as a result, they lose all kinds of efficiencies and eventually their viability in the marketplace.” ( :155)

“This process of continuous improvement is the hallmark of the Total Quality movement and a key to Japan’s economic ascendancy.” ( :156)

“The more proactive you are (Habit 1), the more effectively you can exercise personal leadership (Habit 2) and management (Habit 3) in your life. The more effectively you manage your life (Habit 3), the more Quadrant II renewing activities you can do (Habit 7). The more you seek first to understand (Habit 5), the more effectively you can go for synergetic win-win solutions (Habits 4 and 6). The more you improve in any of the habits that lead to independence (Habits 1, 2, and 3), the more effective you will be in interdependent situations (Habits 4, 5, and 6). And renewal (Habit 7) is the process of renewing all the habits.” ( :156)

“As you become involved in continuing education, you increase your knowledge base and you increase your options. Your economic security does not lie in your job; it lies in your own power to produce — to think, to learn, to create, to adapt. That’s” ( :156)

“That’s true financial independence. It’s not having wealth; it’s having the power to produce wealth. It’s intrinsic.” ( :156)

“In the words of Dag Hammarskjold, You cannot play with the animal in you without becoming wholly animal, play with falsehood without forfeiting your right to truth, play with cruelty without losing your sensitivity of mind. He who wants to keep his garden tidy doesn’t reserve a plot for weeds.” ( :157)

“To keep progressing, we must learn, commit, and do — learn, commit, and do — and learn, commit, and do again.” ( :157)

“I read the paragraph over and over again. It basically contained the simple idea that there is a gap or a space between stimulus and response, and that the key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that space.” ( :158)

“At the very first of the year, we talked about all kinds of interesting topics — people, ideas, events, the children, my writing, our family at home, future plans, and so forth. But little by little, our communication deepened and we began to talk more and more about our internal worlds — about our upbringing, our scripting, our feelings, and self-doubts. As we were deeply immersed in these communications, we also observed them and observed ourselves in them. We began to use that space between stimulus and response in some new and interesting ways which caused” ( :159)

“When we did go into the deeper, more tender issues and then came out of them, we felt in some way healed.” ( :159)

“The second ground rule was that when it hurt too much, when it was painful, we would simply quit for the day. Then we would either begin the next day where we left off or wait until the person who was sharing felt ready to continue.” ( :159)

“I usually resorted to my dysfunctional private behavior. I suppose I figured that the only way I could deal with it was not to deal with it; otherwise, I felt I would lose control and say things I shouldn’t say. There were times when I did slip and say something negative, and I had to go back and apologize.” ( :160)

“This communication between father and daughter had taken place in a spontaneous way during very natural time, when the most powerful kind of scripting takes place.” ( :160)

“scripting takes place. During those relaxed times guards are down and all kinds of images and thoughts are planted deep in the subconscious mind. Perhaps Sandra had forgotten about all of this until the safety of that year of communication when it could come out also in very natural and spontaneous ways.” ( :160)

“I have drawn particular attention in this book to those scripts we have been given which we proactively want to change. But as we examine our scripting carefully, many of us will also begin to see beautiful scripts, positive scripts that have been passed down to us which we have blindly taken for granted. Real self-awareness helps us to appreciate those scripts and to appreciate those who have gone before us and nurtured us in principle-based living, mirroring back to us not only what we are, but what we can become.” ( :161)

“Grandparents who show a great interest in their grandchildren are among the most precious people on this earth. What a marvelous positive social mirror they can be! My mother is like that. Even now, in her late 80s, she takes a deep personal interest in every one of her descendants. She writes us love letters. I was reading one the other day on a plane with tears streaming down my cheeks. I could call her up tonight and I know she’d say, “Stephen, I want you to know how much I love you and how wonderful I think you are.” She’s constantly reaffirming.” ( :162)

“As someone once observed, “There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children — one is roots, the other wings.”” ( :162)

“If your parents abused you as a child, that does not mean that you have to abuse your own children. Yet there’s plenty of evidence to indicate that you will tend to live out that script. But because you’re proactive, you can rewrite the script. You can choose not only not to abuse your children, but to affirm them, to script them in positive ways.” ( :162)

“He records in his autobiography: It was then that I drew, almost unconsciously, on the inner strength I had developed in Cell 54 of Cairo Central Prison — a strength, call it a talent or capacity, for change. I found that I faced a highly” ( :162)

“THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart complex situation, and that I couldn’t hope to change it until I had armed myself with the necessary psychological and intellectual capacity. My contemplation of life and human nature in that secluded place had taught me that he who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality, and will never, therefore, make any progress.” ( :163)

“change reality, and will never, therefore, make any progress. Change — real change — comes from the Inside-Out.” ( :163)

“Achieving unity — oneness — with ourselves, with our loved ones, with our friends and working associates, is the highest and best and most delicious fruit of the Seven Habits.” ( :163)

“Again, I quote Emerson: “That which we persist in doing becomes easier — not that the nature of the task has changed, but our ability to do has increased.”” ( :163)

“As I conclude this book, I would like to share my own personal conviction concerning what I believe to be the source of correct principles. I believe that correct principles are natural laws, and that God, the Creator and Father of us all, is the source of them, and also the source of our conscience. I believe that to the degree people live by this inspired conscience, they will grow to fulfill their natures; to the degree that they do not, they will not rise above the animal plane.” ( :163)

“I believe that as human beings, we cannot perfect ourselves. To the degree to which we align ourselves with correct principles, divine endowments will be released within our nature in enabling us to fulfill the measure of our creation.” ( :163)

“Teilhard de Chardin, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”” ( :164)

“”We must not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time.”” ( :164)

“In most meetings, Quadrant II items are usually categorized as “other business.” Because “work expands to fill the time allotted for its completion” in accordance with Parkinson’s Law, there usually isn’t time to discuss them. If there is, people have been so beaten and smashed by Quadrant I, they have little or no energy left to address them.” ( :170)

Check out more book notes at How I Read 90 Books In The Past 2 Years By Reading 20 Pages A Day

Interested in more book notes like these? Subscribe to my weekly newsletter.

Share life-long habits over:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *