Book Reviews

How To Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie -Book Notes, Summary, and Review

19. How To Win Friends & Influence People - Dale Carnegie

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Rating: 7/10

Date of reading: 2nd – 7th of June, 2018

Description: There is a reason How To Win Friends & Influence People sold more than 30 million copies since it was written in the 1930s’. The book teaches you how to win people over, create win-win situations, deal with problems, and make every situation count. A classic by itself.

 

My notes:

 

Introduction

 

“These investigations revealed that even in such technical lines as engineering, about 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering – to personality and the ability to lead people.” ( :10)

“‘Education,’ said Dr. John G. Hibben, former president of Princeton University, ‘is the ability to meet life’s situations.'” ( :13)

 

PART ONE: FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE

 

“Hans Selye, another great psychologist, said, ‘As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation.'” ( :19)

“famous quarrel between Theodore Roosevelt and President Taft” ( :19)

“One of his favourite quotations was ‘Judge not, that ye be not judged.’ And when Mrs Lincoln and others spoke harshly of the southern people, Lincoln replied: ‘Don’t criticise them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.'” ( :21)

“‘Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbour’s roof,’ said Confucious, ‘when your own doorstep is unclean.'” ( :22)

“Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. ‘A great man shows his greatness,’ said Carlyle, ‘by the way he treats little men.'” ( :23)

“1 Health and the preservation of life. 2 Food. 3 Sleep. 4 Money and the things money will buy. 5 Life in the hereafter. 6 Sexual gratification. 7 The well-being of our children. 8 A feeling of importance.” ( :26)

“If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character.” ( :27)

“‘I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,’ said Schwab, ‘the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.” ( :29)

“As the old couplet says: ‘Once I did bad and that I heard ever/Twice I did good, but that I heard never.'” ( :29)

“I once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for six days and nights without eating. It wasn’t difficult. I was less hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second. Yet I know, as you know, people who would think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but they will let them go for six days, and six weeks, and sometimes sixty years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.” ( :30)

“General Obregon’s philosophy: ‘Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.'” ( :31)

“Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.” ( :33)

“Andrew Carnegie, the poverty-stricken Scotch lad who started to work at two cents an hour and finally gave away $365 million, learned early in life that the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants. He attended school only four years; yet he learned how to handle people.” ( :34)

“Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: ‘How can I make this person want to do it?'” ( :34)

“I received a letter the next day, informing me that my rent would be increased only 50 percent instead of 300 percent. Mind you, I got this reduction without saying a word about what I wanted. I talked all the time about what the other person wanted and how he could get it.” ( :35)

“Eleven of the twelve banks invited her to be interviewed, and she had a choice of which bank’s offer to accept.” ( :39)

“‘Oh no, no! I am not going to wet this bed.’ The boy kept his promise, for his pride was involved. That was his bed. He and he alone had bought it. And he was wearing pyjamas now like a little man. He wanted to act like a man. And he did.” ( :42)

 

PART TWO: SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU

 

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” ( :45)

“”It is the only happy day we had in nearly two years, and not one of us would exchange it for a hundred-dollar bill.”‘” ( :47)

“An insincere grin? No. That doesn’t fool anybody. We know it is mechanical and we resent it. I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace.” ( :52)

“‘Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.” ( :54)

“It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.” ( :54)

“Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together.” ( :58)

“The executive who tells me he can’t remember names is at the same time telling me he can’t remember a significant part of his business and is operating on quicksand.'” ( :59)

“Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important – yet how many of us do it?” ( :60)

“From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.” ( :61)

“But I had done this: I had listened intently.” ( :62)

“But I had done this: I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested. And he felt it. Naturally that pleased him.” ( :62)

“Robert responded: ‘No, but I really know you love me because whenever I want to talk to you about something you stop whatever you are doing and listen to me.'” ( :63)

“Soon our Western Union messenger boy was corresponding with many of the most famous people in the nation:” ( :65)

“Lincoln hadn’t wanted advice. He had wanted merely a friendly, sympathetic listener to whom he could unburden himself.” ( :66)

“A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people.” ( :66)

“as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.” ( :67)

“‘he not only granted immediately what I asked for, but much more. I had asked him to send only one boy to Europe, but he sent five boys and myself, gave me a letter of credit for a thousand dollars and told us to stay in Europe for seven weeks.” ( :67)

“So let’s obey the Golden Rule, and give unto others what we would have others give unto us. How? When? Where? The answer is: All the time, everywhere.” ( :71)

“Mr. Eastman, I’ve been admiring your office. I wouldn’t mind working in a room like this myself. I’m in the interior-woodworking business, and I never saw a more beautiful office in all my life.'” ( :74)

“‘Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.'” ( :75)

 

PART THREE: HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING

 

“Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.” ( :78)

“A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still.” ( :79)

“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.” ( :79)

“a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.” ( :80)

“You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words – and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgement, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds. You may then hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or an Immanuel Kant, but you will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings.” ( :82)

“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.” ( :82)

“Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.” ( :82)

“If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong – yes, even that you know is wrong – isn’t it better to begin by saying: ‘Well, now, look. I thought otherwise but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.’ There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: ‘I may be wrong, I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.” ( :83)

“I was right. Justice – was wrong. And I had told him so. But did that make him friendly? No. I still believe that I had the law on my side. And I know that I spoke better than I ever spoke before. But I didn’t persuade. I made the enormous blunder of telling a very learned and famous man that he was wrong.'” ( :83)

“Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased.” ( :83)

“And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our oesophagus.” ( :84)

“Martin Luther King was asked how, as a pacifist, he could be an admirer of Air Force General Daniel ‘Chappie’ James, then the nation’s highest-ranking black officer. Dr. King replied, ‘I judge people by their own principles – not by my own.'” ( :87)

“Rex was out in front, heading straight for the officer. I was in for it. I knew it. So I didn’t wait until the policeman started talking. I beat him to it. I said: ‘Officer, you’ve caught me red-handed. I’m guilty. I have no alibis, no excuses. You warned me last week that if I brought the dog out here again without a muzzle you would fine me.’ ‘Well, now,’ the policeman responded in a soft tone. ‘I know it’s a temptation to let a little dog like that have a run out here when nobody is around.’ ‘Sure it’s a temptation,’ I replied, ‘but it is against the law.’ ‘Well, a little dog like that isn’t going to harm anybody,’ the policeman remonstrated. ‘No, but he may kill squirrels,’ I said.” ( :89)

“‘Immediately he started to defend me. “Yes, you’re right, but after all, this isn’t a serious mistake. It is only—” ‘I interrupted him. “Any mistake,” I said, “may be costly and they are all irritating.” ‘He started to break in, but I wouldn’t let him. I was having a grand time. For the first time in my life, I was criticising myself – and I loved it. ‘”I should have been more careful,” I continued. “You give me a lot of work, and you deserve the best; so I’m going to do this drawing all over.” ‘”No! No!” he protested. “I wouldn’t think of putting you to all that trouble.” He praised my work, assured me that he wanted only a minor change and that my slight error hadn’t cost his firm any money; and, after all, it was a mere detail – not worth worrying about. ‘My eagerness to criticise myself took all the fight out of him. He ended up by taking me to lunch; and before we parted, he gave me a cheque and another commission.'” ( :90)

“Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.” ( :91)

“Come to think it over, I don’t entirely agree with it myself. Not everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today. I am glad to learn what you think on the subject. The next time you are in the neighbourhood you must visit us and we’ll get this subject threshed out for all time. So here is a handclasp over the miles, and I am, Yours sincerely,” ( :92)

“Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.” ( :94)

“He told our class: ‘It was apparent that talking to, reasoning with or shouting at the service manager was not going to lead to a satisfactory resolution of my problems.” ( :96)

“The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness,” ( :97)

“people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by IN TALKING WITH emphasising – and keep on emphasising – the things on which you agree. Keep emphasising, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.” ( :98)

“‘It took me years and cost me countless thousands of dollars in lost business before I finally learned that it doesn’t pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying “yes, yes.”‘” ( :100)

“His whole technique, now called the ‘Socratic method,’ was based upon getting a ‘yes, yes’ response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realising it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.” ( :100)

“I began to realise that she needed me – not as a bossy mother, but as a confidante, an outlet for all her confusion about growing up.” ( :102)

“I began to realise that she needed me – not as a bossy mother, but as a confidante, an outlet for all her confusion about growing up. And all I had been doing was talking when I should have been listening. I never heard her.” ( :102)

“Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours.” ( :103)

“La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said: ‘If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.'” ( :103)

“‘The people had made a sort of moral bargain with me,’ said Mr. Seltz, ‘and as long as I lived up to my part in it, they were determined to live up to theirs. Consulting them about their wishes and desires was just the shot in the arm they needed.'” ( :105)

“Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only works in business and politics, it works in family life as well.” ( :106)

“Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay ‘Self-Reliance’ stated: ‘In every work of genius we recognise our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.'” ( :106)

“‘The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.'” ( :107)

“I would ride up to the boys, warn them that they could be jailed for starting a fire, order with a tone of authority that it be put out; and, if they refused, I would threaten to have them arrested. I was merely unloading my feelings without thinking of their point of view. The result? They obeyed – obeyed sullenly and with resentment. After I rode on over the hill, they probably rebuilt the fire and longed to burn up the whole park.” ( :109)

“We won’t have any trees here at all if we aren’t more careful. You could be put in jail for building this fire. But I don’t want to be bossy and interfere with your pleasure. I like to see you enjoy yourselves; but won’t you please rake all the leaves away from the fire right now – and you’ll be careful to cover it with dirt, a lot of dirt, before you leave, won’t you?” ( :109)

“If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing – an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle, as well as your own – if you get only one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping-stones of your career.” ( :111)

“‘I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.'” ( :112)

“J. Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.” ( :117)

“When John D. Rockefeller, Jr., wished to stop newspaper photographers from snapping pictures of his children, he too appealed to the nobler motives. He didn’t say: ‘I don’t want their pictures published.’ No, he appealed to the desire, deep in all of us, to refrain from harming children. He said: ‘You know how it is, boys. You’ve got children yourselves, some of you. And you know it’s not good for youngsters to get too much publicity.'” ( :118)

“Did he adjust the bill? He certainly did, and got quite a kick out of it. The bills ranged from $150 to $400 – but did the customer give himself the best of it? Yes, one of them did! One of them refused to pay a penny of the disputed charge; but the other five all gave the company the best of it! And here’s the cream of the whole thing: we delivered new cars to all six of these customers within the next two years!” ( :119)

“This is the day of dramatisation. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.” ( :120)

“was having difficulty getting his five-year-old boy and three-year-old daughter to pick up their toys, so he invented a ‘train.’ Joey was the engineer (Captain Casey Jones) on his tricycle. Janet’s wagon was attached, and in the evening she loaded all the ‘coal’ on the caboose (her wagon) and then jumped in while her brother drove her around the room. In this way the room was cleaned up – without lectures, arguments or threats.” ( :121)

“PRINCIPLE 11 Dramatise your ideas.” ( :122)

“Let Charles Schwab say it in his own words: ‘The way to get things done,’ says Schwab, ‘is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.'” ( :123)

“Roosevelt stayed in the fight – and the rest is history. A challenge not only changed his life; it had a real effect upon the future of his nation.” ( :123)

“‘All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory’ was the motto of the King’s Guard in ancient Greece.” ( :123)

“So he went. And he stayed. He stayed, to become the most famous warden of his time. His book 20,000 Years in Sing Sing sold into the hundred of thousands of copies. His broadcasts on the air and his stories of prison life have inspired dozens of movies. His ‘humanising’ of criminals wrought miracles in the way of prison reform.” ( :124)

“‘that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself.'” ( :124)

“That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races, and hog-calling, and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.” ( :124)

 

PART FOUR: BE A LEADER: HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENCE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT

 

“After lunch, the subcontractor said, ‘Now, to get down to business. Naturally, I know why you’re here. I didn’t expect that our meeting would be so enjoyable. You can go back to Philadelphia with my promise that your material will be fabricated and shipped, even if other orders have to be delayed.'” ( :129)

“‘I’ll appreciate it, boys, if you will smoke these on the outside.'” ( :131)

“The legendary French aviation pioneer and author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote: ‘I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.'” ( :141)

“His name was Enrico Caruso, and he became the greatest and most famous opera singer of his age.” ( :142)

“True, he wasn’t paid a shilling for it, but one editor had praised him. One editor had given him recognition. He was so thrilled that he wandered aimlessly around the streets with tears rolling down his cheeks. The praise, the recognition, that he received through getting one story in print, changed his whole life, for if it hadn’t been for that encouragement, he might have spent his entire life working in ratinfested factories. You may have heard of that boy. His name was Charles Dickens.” ( :142)

“That praise changed the future of that boy and made a lasting impression on the history of English literature. For that boy went on to write innumerable best-selling books and made over a million dollars with his pen. You’ve probably heard of him. His name: H.G. Wells.” ( :143)

“‘The average person,’ said Samuel Vauclain, then president of the Baldwin Locomotive Works, ‘can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.'” ( :145)

“‘Tommy, I understand you are a natural leader. I’m going to depend on you to help me make this class the best class in the fourth grade this year.'” ( :147)

“Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.” ( :151)

“Childish? Perhaps. But that is what they said to Napoleon when he created the Legion of Honour and distributed 15,000 crosses to his soldiers and made eighteen of his generals ‘Marshals of France’ and called his troops the ‘Grand Army.’ Napoleon was criticised for giving ‘toys’ to war-hardened veterans, and Napoleon replied, ‘Men are ruled by toys.'” ( :152)

“1 Be sincere.” ( :152)

“5 Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.” ( :152)

 

A SHORTCUT TO DISTINCTION

 

“Dale Carnegie claimed that all people can talk when they get mad. He said that if you hit the most ignorant man in town on the jaw and knock him down, he would get on his feet and talk with an eloquence, heat and emphasis that would have rivalled that world famous orator William Jennings Bryan at the height of his career.” ( :161)

“Dale Carnegie would tell you that he made a living all these years, not by teaching public speaking – that was incidental. His main job was to help people conquer their fears and develop courage.” ( :161)


Check out more book notes at How I Read 90 Books In The Past 2 Years By Reading 20 Pages A Day

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