Book Reviews

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck -Book Notes, Summary, and Review

18. The Road Less Traveled - M. Scott Peck

Get it on Amazon

Rating: 9/10

Date of reading: 30th of April – 10th of May, 2017

Description: The road less traveled in life. The categories like love, parenting, religion, life’s purpose, and self-development. Even though the book was written back in the ’70s, it’s a gem worth reading. 

 

My notes:

 

SECTION I

 

“Yet it is in this whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has its meaning.” ( :3)

“the succinctly elegant words of Carl Jung, “Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.”” ( :3)

“There are four: delaying of gratification, acceptance of responsibility, dedication to truth, and balancing.” ( :3)

“i nally, one day, we dared to look at the obvious. “Do you like cake?” I asked her. She replied that she did. “Which part of the cake do you like better,” I went on, “the cake or the frosting?” “Oh, the frosting!” she responded enthusiastically. “And how do you eat a” ( :3)

“pi ece of cake?” I inquired, feeling that I must be the most inane psychiatrist that ever lived. “I eat the frosting first, of course,” she replied. From her cake-eating habits we went on to examine her work habits, and, as was to be expected, discovered that on any given day she would devote the first hour to the more gratifying half of her work and the remaining six hours getting around to the objectionable remainder. I suggested that if she were to force herself to accomplish the unpleasant part of her job during the first hour, she would then be free to enjoy the other six. It seemed to me, I said, that one hour of pain followed by six of pleasure was preferable to one hour of pleasure followed by six of pain. She agreed, and, being basically a person of strong will, she no longer procrastinates.” ( :4)

“But this discipline is meaningless. Because it is undisciplined discipline.” ( :4)

“Yet even more important than role modeling is love. For even in chaotic and disordered homes genuine love is occasionally present, and from such homes may come self-disciplined children. And not infrequently parents who are professional people—doctors, lawyers, club women and philanthropists—who lead lives of strict orderliness and decorum but yet lack love, send children into the world who are as undisciplined and destructive and disorganized as any child from an impoverished and chaotic home.” ( :4)

“So it is that the quality of discipline afforded by loving parents is superior to the discipline of unloving parents. But this is just the beginning. In taking the time to observe and to think about their children’s needs, loving parents will frequently agonize over the decisions to be made, and will, in a very real sense, suffer along with their children. The children are not blind to this. They perceive it when their parents are willing to suffer with them,” ( :4)

“and although they may not respond with immediate gratitude, they will learn also to suffer. “If my parents are willing to suffer with me,” they will tell themselves, “then suffering must not be so bad, and I should be willing to suffer with myself.” This is the beginning of self-discipline.” ( :5)

“”If you don’t do exactly what I want you to do I won’t love you anymore, and you can figure out for yourself what that might mean.” It means, of course, abandonment and death.” ( :5)

“Problems do not go away.” ( :6)

“away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit.” ( :6)

“In five months he had repaired a total of eight pieces of furniture. When asked why he hadn’t started looking for a job sooner, he replied: “I knew six weeks ago that I was running through my money fast, but somehow I couldn’t believe that it would come to this point. The whole thing just didn’t seem very urgent, but, boy, it’s urgent now.” He had, of course, ignored his problem. Slowly it began to dawn on him that until he solved his problem of ignoring problems he would never get beyond step one—even with all the psychotherapy in the world.” ( :6)

“durati on. And with respect for the complexity of parenting, it must be said that parental decisions are difficult, and that children often do “grow out of it.” But it almost never hurts to try to help them grow out of it or to look more closely at the problem. And while children often “grow out of it,” often they do not; and as with so many problems, the longer children’s problems are ignored, the larger they become and the more painful and difficult to solve.” ( :6)

“”It’ s not my problem.” We cannot solve a problem by hoping that someone else will solve it for us. I can solve a problem only when I say “This is my problem and it’s up to me to solve it.” But many, so many, seek to avoid the pain of their problems by saying to themselves: “This problem was caused me by other people, or by social circumstances beyond my control, and therefore it is up to other people or society to solve this problem for me. It is not really my personal problem.”” ( :7)

“A young wife, also in Okinawa, cut her wrist lightly with a razor blade and was brought to the emergency room, where I saw her. I asked her why she had done this to herself. “To kill myself, of course.” “Why do you want to kill yourself?” “Because I can’t stand it on this dumb island. You have to send me back to the States. I’m going to kill myself if I have to stay here any longer.” “What is it about living in Okinawa that’s so painful for you?” I asked. She began to cry in a whining sort of way. “I don’t have any friends here, and I’m alone all the time.” “That’s too bad. How come you haven’t been able to make any friends?” “Because I have to live in a stupid Okinawan housing area, and none of my neighbors speak English.” “Why don’t you drive over to the American housing area or to the wives’ club during the day so you can make some friends?” “Because my husband has to drive the car to work.” “Can’t you drive him to work, since you’re alone and bored all day?” I asked. “No. It’s a stick-shift car, and I don’t know how to drive a stick-shift car, only an automatic.” “Why don’t you learn how to drive a stick-shift car?” She glared at me. “On these roads? You must be crazy.”” ( :7)

“The neurotic assumes too much responsibility; the person with a character disorder, not enough.” ( :7)

“or “The only reason I stay married to your father [mother] is because of you kids,” or “Your mother’s a nervous wreck because of you,” or “I could have gone to college and been a success if it weren’t for having to support you.” In such ways these parents in effect say to their children, “You are responsible for the quality of my marriage, my mental health and my lack of success in life.” Since they lack the capacity to see how inappropriate this is, the children will often accept this responsibility, and insofar as they do accept it, they will become neurotic. It is in such ways that character-disordered parents almost invariably produce character-disordered or neurotic children. It is the parents themselves who visit their sins upon their children.”” ( :8)

“My working hard was not a burden cast upon me by hardhearted fate or a hardhearted clinic director; it was the way I had chosen to live my life and order my priorities. As it happened, I chose not to change my life style. But with my change in attitude, my resentment of my fellow residents vanished. It simply no longer made any sense to resent them for having chosen a life style different from mine when I was completely free to choose to be like them if I wanted to. To resent them was to resent my own choice to be different from them, a choice that I was happy with.” ( :9)

“t is for this reason that Erich Fromm so aptly titled his study of Nazism and authoritarianism Escape from Freedom. In attempting to avoid the pain of responsibility, millions and even billions daily attempt to escape from freedom.” ( :9)

“hat happens when one has striven long and hard to develop a working view of the world, a seemingly useful, workable map, and then is confronted with new information suggesting that that view is wrong and the map needs to be largely redrawn? The painful effort required seems frightening, almost overwhelming. What we do more often than not, and usually unconsciously, is to ignore the new information.” ( :10)

“To a child his or her parents are everything; they represent the world. The child does not have the perspective to see that other parents are different and frequently better. He assumes that the way his parents do things is the way that things are done. Consequently the realization—the “reality” —that this child came to was not “I can’t trust my parents” but “I can’t trust people. ” Not trusting people therefore became the map with which he entered adolescence and adulthood.” ( :10)

“say, “We know that we have a problem in our marriage, and that this likely has something to do with our son’s problem. Nonetheless, we do not want our marriage tampered with; we do not want you to do therapy with us; we want you just to work with our son, if possible, to help him be happier.”” ( :13)

“two of the most common, potent and destructive are “We really love our children” and “Our parents really loved us.”” ( :13)

“ri sky financial investment or even how much money they have in the bank. Usually such withholding and lack of openness is rationalized on the basis of a loving desire to protect and shield their children from unnecessary worries. Yet more often than not such “protection” is unsuccessful. The children know anyway that Mommy and Daddy smoke pot, that they had a fight the night before, that the grandparents are resented, that Mommy is nervous and that Daddy is losing money. The result, then, is not protection but deprivation. The children are deprived of the knowledge they might gain about money, illness, drugs, sex, marriage, their parents, their grandparents and people in general.” ( :13)

“The selective withholding of one’s opinions must also be practiced from time to time in the world of business or politics if one is to be welcomed into the councils of power. If people were always to speak their minds on issues both great and small, they would be considered insubordinate by the average supervisor, and a threat to an organization by management.” ( :13)

“Immedi ately I felt as if I were nine years old again, lying bleeding in the bushes by the side of the road, next to my bike. Clearly I had made a mistake. Clearly I had failed to negotiate a turn in the road. I had started the evening wanting to have a happy time with my daughter. Ninety minutes later she was in tears and so angry at me she could hardly speak. What had gone wrong? The answer was obvious. But I did not want to see the answer, so it took me two hours to wade through the pain of accepting the fact that I had botched the evening by allowing my desire to win a chess game become more important than my desire to build a relationship with my daughter. I was depressed in earnest then.” ( :15)

“It is also clear that the farther one travels on the journey of life, the more births one will experience, and therefore the more deaths—the more joy and the more pain.” ( :17)

“wrong). Imagine two generals, each having to decide whether or not to commit a division of ten thousand men to battle. To one the division is but a thing, a unit of personnel, an instrument of strategy and nothing more. To the other it is these things, but he is also aware of each and every one of the ten thousand lives and the lives of the families of each of the ten thousand. For whom is the decision easier? It is easier for the general who has blunted his awareness precisely because he cannot tolerate the pain of a more nearly complete awareness. It may be tempting to say, “Ah, but a spiritually evolved man would never become a general in the first place.” But the same issue is involved in being a corporation president, a physician, a teacher, a parent. Decisions affecting the lives of others must always be made. The best decision-makers are those who are willing to suffer the most over their decisions but still retain their ability to be decisive. One measure—and perhaps the best measure—of a person’s greatness is the capacity for suffering. Yet the great are also joyful. This, then, is the paradox. Buddhists tend to ignore the Buddha’s suffering and Christians forget Christ’s joy. Buddha and Christ were not different men. The suffering of Christ letting go on the cross and the joy of Buddha letting go under the bo tree are one.” ( :17)

“A final word on the discipline of balancing and its essence of giving up: you must have something in order to give it up. You cannot give up anything you have not already gotten. If you give up winning without ever having won, you are where you were at the beginning: a loser. You must forge for yourself an identity before you can give it up. You must develop an ego before you can lose it. This may seem incredibly elementary, but I think it is necessary to say it, since there are many people I know who possess a vision of evolution yet seem to lack the will for it. They want, and believe it is possible, to skip over the discipline, to find an easy short-cut to sainthood. Often they attempt to attain it by simply imitating the superficialities of saints, retiring to the desert or taking up carpentry. Some even believe that by such imitation they have really become saints and prophets, and are unable to acknowledge that they are still children and face the painful fact that they must start at the beginning and go through the middle.” ( :17)

 

SECTION II

 

“The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. At the outset I would like to comment briefly on this definition before proceeding to a more thorough” ( :18)

“Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.” ( :18)

“But discipline and will can only control the experience; they cannot create it. We can choose how to respond to the experience of falling in love, but we cannot choose the experience itself.” ( :20)

“other ‘s needs and friction arises and we fall out of love, then it is clear that a dreadful mistake was made, we misread the stars, we did not hook up with our one and only perfect match, what we thought was love was not real or “true” love, and nothing can be done about the situation except to live unhappily ever after or get divorced.” ( :20)

“the myth of romantic love is a dreadful lie.” ( :20)

“perhaps more gentle and less dramatic than that associated with falling in love, is nonetheless much more stable and lasting and ultimately satisfying. It is the difference between the peak experience, typified by falling in love, and what Abraham Maslow has referred to as the “plateau experience.” *” ( :21)

“Thi s is not to say that the ecstasy of the orgasmic experience cannot be heightened by sharing it with one who is beloved; it can. But even without a beloved partner or any partner the collapse of ego boundaries occurring in conjunction with orgasm may be total; for a second we may totally forget who we are, lose track of self, be lost in time and space, be outside of our self, be transported. We may become one with the universe. But only for a second.” ( :21)

“ysti ci sm is essentially a belief that reality is oneness.” ( :21)

“Most mystics understand the truth that was elaborated at the end of the discussion of discipline: namely, that we must possess or achieve something before we can give it up. and still maintain our competence and viability. The infant without its ego boundaries may be in closer touch with reality than its parents,” ( :21)

“There are no quick and easy shortcuts. Ego boundaries• must be hardened before they can be softened. An identity must be established before it can be transcended. One must find one’s self before one can lose it. The temporary release from ego boundaries associated with falling in love, sexual intercourse or the use of certain psychoactive drugs may provide us with a glimpse of Nirvana, but not with Nirvana itself.” ( :21)

“”I just told you I can’t live without him [or her].” I try to explain: “What you describe is parasitism, not love. When you require another individual for your survival, you are a parasite on that individual. There is no choice, no freedom involved in your relationship. It is a matter of necessity rather than love. Love is the free exercise of choice. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other.”” ( :22)

“mi ssi ng.” They tolerate loneliness very poorly. Because of their lack of wholeness they have no real sense of identity, and they define themselves solely by their relationships.” ( :22)

“Thi s rapid changeability is characteristic of passive dependent individuals. It is as if it does not matter whom they are dependent upon as long as there is just someone. It does not matter what their identity is as long as there is someone to give it to them. Consequently, their relationships, although seemingly dramatic in their intensity, are actually extremely shallow.” ( :22)

“work.” But it never did work, not only because she had not chosen well but also because she would then begin a pattern of clinging to the man, demanding more and more evidence of his affection, seeking to be with him constantly, refusing to be left alone. “It is because I love you so much that I cannot bear to be separated from you,” she would tell him,” ( :22)

“The only way to be assured of being loved is to be a person worthy of love, and you cannot be a person worthy of love when your primary goal in life is to passively be loved.”” ( :22)

“but” ( :22)

“extremely intelligent banker that his wife, who suddenly stopped driving at age forty-six because of a “phobia,” might have a problem deserving of psychiatric attention, he said, “Oh, no, the doctor told her it was because of menopause, and you can’t do anything about that.” She was secure in the knowledge that he would not have an affair and leave her because he was so busy after work taking her shopping and driving the children around. He was secure in the knowledge that she would not have an affair and leave him because she did not have the mobility to meet people when he was away from her.” ( :23)

“was secure in the knowledge that she would not have an affair and leave him because she did not have the mobility to meet people when he was away from her. Through such behavior, passive dependent marriages may be made lasting and secure, but they cannot be considered either healthy or genuinely loving, because the security is purchased at the price of freedom and the relationship serves to retard or destroy the growth of the individual partners. Again and again we tell our couples that “a good marriage can exist only between two strong and independent people.”” ( :23)

“a feeling of “I don’t have enough” and a sense that the world is unpredictable and ungiving, as well as a sense of themselves as being questionably lovable and valuable. It is no wonder, then, that they feel the need to scramble for love care and attention wherever they can find it, and once having found It, cling to it with a desperation that leads them to unloving, manipulative, Machiavellian behavior that destroys the very relationship they seek to preserve.” ( :23)

“The only true end of love is spiritual growth or human evolution.” ( :23)

“On the other hand, power and money may be means to a loving goal. A person may, for instance, suffer a career in politics for the primary purpose of utilizing political power for the betterment of the human race. Or some people may yearn for riches, not for money’s sake but in order to send their children to college or provide themselves with the freedom and time for study and reflection which are necessary for their own spiritual growth. It is not power or money that such people love; it is humanity.” ( :24)

“Yet it is possible for us to desire that other humans develop a “will of their own”; indeed, it is this desire for the differentiation of the other that is one of the characteristics of genuine love. Finally, in our relationship with pets we seek to foster their dependency. We do not want them to grow up and leave home. We want them to stay put, to lie dependably near the hearth. It is their attachment to us rather than their independence from us that we value in our pets.” ( :24)

“But even though his previous behavior had been motivated primarily by a need to maintain an image of himself as a loving person, he had at his core a capacity for genuine love, and because of this capacity he was able to accomplish these alterations in himself.” ( :25)

“Whenever we think of ourselves as doing something for someone else, we are in some way denying our own responsibility. Whatever we do is done because we choose to do it, and we make that choice because it is the one that satisfies us the most. Whatever we do for someone else we do because it fulfills a need we have. Parents who say to their children, “You should be grateful for all that we have done for you” are invariably parents who are lacking in love to a significant degree. Anyone who genuinely loves knows the pleasure of loving. When we genuinely love we do so because we want to love. We have children because we want to have children, and if we are loving parents, it is because we want to be loving parents. It is true that love involves a change in the self, but this is an extension of the self rather than a sacrifice of the self: As will be discussed again later, genuine love is a self-replenishing activity.” ( :26)

“Genui ne love, on the other hand, implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom.” ( :26)

“It is almost impossible for a patient to experience significant personality growth without a “therapeutic alliance” with the therapist. In other words, before the patient can risk major change he or she must feel the strength and security that come from believing that the therapist is the patient’s constant and stable ally.” ( :26)

“I have defined love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own and another’s spiritual growth. Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional.” ( :26)

“Thus a business executive will spend roughly an hour of his day reading, two hours talking and eight hours listening.” ( :27)

“Yet in school we spend a large amount of time teaching children how to read, a very small amount of time teaching them how to speak, and usually no time at all teaching them how to listen.” ( :27)

“But why bother? Why exert all this effort to focus totally on the boring prattlings of a six-year-old? First, your willingness to do so is the best possible concrete evidence of your esteem you can give your child. If you give your child the same esteem you would give a great lecturer, then the child will know him-or herself to be valued and therefore will feel valuable. There is no better and ultimately no other way to teach your children that they are valuable people than by valuing them.” ( :28)

“Value creates value. Love begets love. Parents and child together spin forward faster and faster in the pas de deux of love.” ( :28)

“narrowed and diminished it almost to the point of nonexistence. She cathects no other living thing. Now, we have said that simple cathexis is not love, that love transcends cathexis. This is true, but love requires cathexis for a beginning. We can love only that which in one way or another has importance for us. But with cathexis there is always the risk of loss or rejection. If you move out to another human being, there is always the risk that that person will move away from you, leaving you more painfully alone than you were before. Love anything that lives—a person, a pet, a plant—and it will die. Trust anybody and you may be hurt; depend on anyone and that one may let you down.” ( :29)

“”The only real security in life lies in relishing life’s insecurity.”” ( :30)

“Despi te their outward appearances they remain psychologically still very much the children of their parents, living by hand-me-down values, motivated primarily by their parents’ approval and disapproval (even when their parents are long dead and buried), never having dared to truly take their destiny into their own hands.” ( :30)

“”You are a beautiful and beloved individual. It is good to be you. We will love you no matter what you do, as long as you are you.” Without that security of my parents’ love reflected in my own self-love,” ( :31)

“commi tment by its very nature will be a shallow one. As long as one loves ones children primarily because one is expected to behave in a loving manner toward them, then the parent will be insensitive to the more subtle needs of the children and unable to express love in the more subtle, yet often most important ways.” ( :31)

“Chi ldren cannot grow to psychological maturity in an atmosphere of unpredictability, haunted by the specter of abandonment.” ( :31)

“wi thout the security of knowing that the act of struggling over these issues will not itself destroy the relationship.” ( :31)

“”Then you must believe that I can kick you out of here any time I want to,” I countered. “You must feel that it’s possible for you to come in here some morning and have me tell you, ‘Rachel, working with you has become a bore. I’ve decided not to see you again. Goodbye and good luck.'” “That’s exactly the way I feel,” Rachel agreed. “I’ve never thought of anything being my right before, at least not in regard to any person. You mean you couldn’t kick me out?”” ( :32)

“hi s was toward the end of the session. At her next session Rachel came in and sat on the couch instead of lying down. “Well, now it’s your time to talk,” she announced. “What do you mean?” I asked. “You’re going to tell me all the things that are wrong with me.” I was puzzled. “I still don’t understand what you mean, Rachel. ” “This is our last session. You’re going to sum up all the things wrong with me, all the reasons why you can’t treat me any more.” “I don’t have the foggiest idea what’s going on,” I said. It was Rachel’s turn to be puzzled. “Well,” she said, “last session you wanted me to cry. You’ve wanted me to cry for a long time. Last session you did everything you could to help me to cry and I still wouldn’t do it, so you’re going to give up on me. I can’t do what you want me to do. That’s why today will be our last session. ” “You really believe I’m going to fire you, don’t you, Rachel?” “Yes. Anyone would.” “No, Rachel, not anyone. Your mother might have. But I’m not your mother. Not everyone in this world is like your mother. You’re not my employee. You’re not here to do what I want you to do. You’re here to do what you want to do it. I may push you, but I have no power over you. I will never fire you. You’re here for as long as you want to be.”” ( :32)

“nodded. A long period of silence followed. Finally, closer to tears than she had ever yet been, Rachel said, “Because I came from a wealthy family, the merchants in town have always charged me the highest the traffic would bear. You are offering me a break. No one ever offered me a break before.”” ( :32)

“Thi s is the first place in my life I’ve ever felt secure.” From the security of my office and our time together she was rapidly able to venture forth into other relationships. She realized that sex was not a matter of commitment but one of self-expression and play and exploration and learning and joyful abandonment.” ( :33)

“strong” man first allows himself to weep in public; or Rachel “lets go” and cries for the first time in my office: these actions, and many more, involve a risk more personal and therefore frequently more fearsome and frightening than that of any soldier entering battle. The soldier cannot run because the gun is pointed at his back as well as his front. But the individual trying to grow can always retreat into the easy and familiar patterns of a more limited past.” ( :33)

“regard to the matter at hand. Under these circumstances the wiser of the two does in fact have an obligation to confront the other with the problem. The loving person, therefore, is frequently in a dilemma, caught between a loving respect for the beloved’s own path in life and a responsibility to exercise loving leadership when the beloved appears to need such leadership.” ( :34)

“Meekness in itself is nothing else than a true knowing and feeling of a man’s self as he is. Any man who truly sees and feels himself as he is must surely be meek indeed.”*” ( :34)

“There are, then, two ways to confront or criticize another human being: with instinctive and spontaneous certainty that one is right, or with a belief that one is probably right arrived at through scrupulous self-doubting and self-examination. The first is the way of arrogance; it is the most common way of parents, spouses, teachers and people generally in their day-to-day affairs; it is usually unsuccessful, producing more resentment than growth and other effects that were not intended. The second is the way of humility; it is not common, requiring as it does a genuine extension of oneself; it is more likely to be successful, and it is never, in my experience, destructive.” ( :34)

“o fail to confront when confrontation is required for the nurture of spiritual growth represents a failure to love equally as does thoughtless criticism or condemnation and other forms of active deprivation of caring.” ( :34)

“avors and compliments as prescribed by good manners. Such relationships are superficial and intimacy-avoiding and do not deserve the name of friendship which is so commonly applied to them. Fortunately, there are signs that our concept of friendship is beginning to deepen. Mutual loving confrontation is a significant part of all successful and meaningful human relationships. Without it the relationship is either unsuccessful or shallow.” ( :34)

“One type of slave-owner does not discipline his slaves, gives them no structure, sets them no limits, provides them with no direction and does not make it clear who is the boss. What happens, of course, is that in due time his slaves stop working and begin moving into the mansion, raiding the liquor cabinet and breaking the furniture, and soon the slave-owner finds that he is the slave of his slaves, living in the same kind of chaos as the aforementioned character-disordered “bohemian” couple.” ( :35)

“Yet the opposite style of leadership, which the guilt-ridden neurotic so often exerts over his feelings, is equally self-destructive. In this style the slave-owner is so obsessed with the fear that his slaves (feelings) might get out of control and so determined that they should cause him no trouble that he routinely beats them into submission and punishes them severely at the first sign of any potency. The result of this style is that in relatively short order the slaves become less and less productive as their will is sapped by the harsh treatment they receive. Or else their will turns more and more toward covert rebellion. If the process is carried out long enough, one night the owner’s prediction finally comes true and the slaves rise up and bum down the mansion, frequently with the owner inside.” ( :35)

“By this time some readers may feel saturated by the concept of discipline and conclude that I am advocating a style of life of Calvinistic dreariness. Constant self-discipline! Constant self-examination! Duty! Responsibility! Neopuritanism, they might call it. Call it what you will, genuine love, with all the discipline that it requires, is the only path in this life to substantial joy. Take another path and you may find rare moments of ecstatic joy, but they will be fleeting and progressively more elusive. When I genuinely love I am extending myself, and when I am extending myself I am growing. The more I love, the longer I love, the larger I become. Genuine love is self-replenishing. The more I nurture the spiritual growth of others, the more my own spiritual growth is nurtured. I am a totally selfish human being. I never do something for somebody else but that I do it for myself. And as I grow through love, so grows my joy, ever more present, ever more constant. Neopuritan perhaps I am. I am also a joy freak. As John Denver sings:” ( :36)

“”Of course I’m sad,” she replied. “I just can’t help crying when I think of all poor Susan has to suffer.” I then went into a lengthy explanation to the effect that while it was quite true Susan had suffered a good deal in the course of her illness, she had also clearly learned a good deal from this suffering, had come out on top of it and, in my estimation, was unlikely to suffer any more in the future than any other adult. Indeed, she might suffer considerably less than any of us because of the wisdom she had gained from her battle with schizophrenia. Mrs. X. continued to weep silently.” ( :36)

“Adolescents frequently complain that they are disciplined not out of genuine concern but because of parental fear that they will give their parents a bad image. “My parents are continually after me to cut my hair,” adolescent boys used to say a few years ago. “They can’t explain why long hair is bad for me. They just don’t want other people to see they’ve got long-haired kids. They don’t really give a shit about me. All they are really caring about is their own image.” Such adolescent resentment is usually justified.” ( :37)

“lawns and their polished cars are extensions of themselves which represent their status to the world. It is to these milder but nonetheless destructive common forms of parental narcissism that Kahlil Gibran addresses himself in what are perhaps the finest words ever written about child-raising:” ( :37)

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself· They come through you but not from you , And though they are with you they belong not to you.” ( :37)

“You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bow from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrow may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.” ( :37)

“”Good grief,” I exclaimed, “it’s no wonder that you are all having difficulties in your marriages, and you’ll continue to have difficulties until you come to recognize that each of you has your own separate destiny to fulfill.”” ( :37)

“wonder that you are all having difficulties in your marriages, and you’ll continue to have difficulties until you come to recognize that each of you has your own separate destiny to fulfill.” The group felt not only chastised but profoundly confused by my pronouncement. Somewhat belligerently they asked me to define the purpose and function of my wife. “The purpose and function of Lily,” I responded, “is to grow to be the most of which she is capable, not for my benefit but for her own and to the glory of God.” The concept remained alien to them for some time, however.” ( :37)

“The individual’s health depends upon the health of the society; the health of the society depends upon the health of its individuals.” ( :37)

“A common and traditionally masculine marital problem is created by the husband who, once he is married, devotes all his energies to climbing mountains and none to tending to his marriage, or base camp, expecting it to be there in perfect order whenever he chooses to return to it for rest and recreation without his assuming any responsibility for its maintenance. Sooner or later this “capitalist” approach to the problem fails and he returns to find his untended base camp a shambles, his neglected wife having been hospitalized for a nervous breakdown, having” ( :37)

“run off with another man, or in some other way having renounced her job as camp caretaker. An equally common and traditionally feminine marital problem is created by the wife who, once she is married, feels that the goal of her life has been achieved. To her the base camp is the peak. She cannot understand or empathize with her husband’s need for achievements and experiences beyond the marriage and reacts to them with jealousy and never-ending demands that he devote increasingly more energy to the home. Like other “communist” resolutions of the problem, this one creates a relationship that is suffocating and stultifying, from which the husband, feeling trapped and limited, may likely flee in a moment of “mid-life crisis.” The women’s liberation movement has been helpful in pointing the way to what is obviously the only ideal resolution: marriage as a truly cooperative institution, requiring great mutual contributions and care, time and energy, but existing for the primary purpose of nurturing each of the participants for individual journeys toward his or her own individual peaks of spiritual growth. Male and female both must tend the hearth and both must venture forth.” ( :38)

“Conversely, a totally uncredentialed and minimally trained lay therapist who exercises a great capacity to love will achieve psychotherapeutic results that equal those of the very best psychiatrists.” ( :40)

 

SECTION III

 

“themselves Christians. Or Jews. Or how an atheist might have a more highly developed sense of Christian morality than a Catholic who routinely attends mass. In supervising other psychotherapists I rather routinely find that they pay too little, if any, attention to the ways” ( :41)

“world. Do patients envision the universe as basically chaotic and without meaning so that it is only sensible for them to grab whatever little pleasure they can whenever it is available? Do they see the world as a dog-eat-dog place where ruthlessness is essential for their survival? Or do they see it as a nurturing sort of place in which something good will always turn up and in which they need not fret much about the future? Or a place that owes them a living no matter how they conduct their” ( :41)

“li ves? Or a universe of rigid law in which they will be struck down and cast away if they step even slightly out of line?” ( :42)

“The road of spiritual growth, however, lies in the opposite direction. We begin by distrusting what we already believe, by actively seeking the threatening and unfamiliar, by deliberately challenging the validity of what we have previously been taught and hold dear. The path to holiness lies through questioning everything.” ( :43)

“One of our problems is that very few of us have developed any distinctive personal life. Everything about us seems secondhand, even our emotions. In many cases we have to rely on secondhand information in order to function. I accept the word of a physician, a scientist, a farmer, on trust. I do not like to do this. I have to because they possess vital knowledge of living of which I am ignorant. Secondhand information concerning the state of my kidneys, the effects of cholesterol, and the raising of chickens, I can live with. But when it comes to questions of meaning, purpose, and death, secondhand information will not do. I cannot survive on a secondhand faith in a secondhand God. There has to be a personal word, a unique confrontation, if I am to come alive.” ( :43)

“i nto a personal experience of the macrocosm. We must begin by becoming scientists. Many patients who have already taken this beginning say to me: “I’m not religious. I don’t go to church. I no longer believe much of what the church and my parents told me. I don’t have my parents’ faith. I guess I’m not very spiritual.” It often comes as a shock to them when I question the reality of their assumption that they are not spiritual beings. “You have a religion,” I may say, “a rather profound one. You worship the truth. You believe in the possibility of your growth and betterment: the possibility of spiritual progress.” ( :44)

“Thi s story was elicited in its entirety only after months of painstaking work. Much of this work centered around the concept of sin. Where did she learn that masturbation is a sin? Who had told her it was a sin? How did her informant know it was a sin? What made masturbation a sin? Why is infidelity a sin? What makes a sin? And so on, and so on.” ( :45)

“”You know, I wouldn’t really trade places for anything with the person I used to be, yet sometimes I still long for those days. My life used to be easier then. At least in a way.”” ( :46)

“I have .described Kathy’s case at such length precisely because it is so typical of the relationship between religious upbringing and psychopathology. There are millions of Kathys. I used to tell people only somewhat facetiously that the Catholic Church provided me with my living as a psychiatrist.” ( :46)

“bri ght oranges, yellows, light blues and greens—to her wardrobe, almost like a flower slowly unfolding its petals. In her next-to-last session with me she was musing about how well she felt and said, “You know, it’s strange, but not only has the inside of me changed; everything outside of me seems to have changed too. Even though I’m still here, living in the same old house and doing .some of the same old things, the whole world looks very different, feels very different. It feels warm and safe and loving and exciting and good. I remember telling you I was an atheist. I’m not sure I am any more. In fact, I don’t think I am.” ( :47)

“Ted felt certain that his problem was rooted in his sexuality. After all, his difficulties had begun, had they not, with an unsuccessful love affair? Besides, he had read almost everything that Freud had ever written (and much more than I myself had read). So during the first six months of therapy we plumbed the depths of his childhood sexuality, getting nowhere in particular. But in that period several interesting facets of his personality did emerge. One was his total lack of enthusiasm. He might wish for good weather, but when it came he would shrug his shoulders and say, “It doesn’t really make any difference. Basically one day’s just like the next.” Fishing in the lake, he caught an enormous pike, “But it was more than I could eat and I have no friends to share it with, so I threw it back.”” ( :48)

“So your senior year of high school you’re a deacon in the church,” I commented. “Then that summer you have an unsuccessful love affair. And then you never go to church again. It was an abrupt change. You don’t suppose your girlfriend’s rejection had anything to do with it, do you?” “I don’t suppose anything. The same pattern was true of lots of my classmates. We were coming of age in a time when religion wasn’t fashionable anyway. Maybe my girlfriend had something to do with it, maybe she didn’t. How should I know? All I know is I just became uninterested in religion.”” ( :48)

“”I didn’t give it up, it was taken from me.” Ted was almost shouting now, more emotional than I had ever seen him. “God rejected you so you rejected God.” “Well, why shouldn’t I?” he demanded. “It’s a shitty world. It’s always been a shitty world.” “I thought your childhood was quite happy.” “No, that was shitty too.”” ( :49)

“”It’ s interesting, Ted,” I said, “that whenever something significantly painful happens to you, you rail against God, you rail against what a shitty, terrible world it is. But when something good happens to you, you guess you’re lucky. A minor tragedy and it’s God’s fault. A miraculous blessing and it’s a bit lucky. What do you make of that?”” ( :50)

“The list is almost endless. But is all this what God has done to humans or what humans have done to God? It is abundantly evident that belief in God is often destructively dogmatic. Is the problem, then, that humans tend to believe in God, or is the problem that humans tend to be dogmatic?” ( :51)

“Another reason that scientists are so prone to throw the baby out with the bath water is that science itself, as I have suggested, is a religion. The neophyte scientist, recently come or converted to the world view of science, can be every bit as fanatical as a Christian crusader or a soldier of Allah. This is particularly the case when we have come to science from a culture and home in which belief in God is firmly associated with ignorance, superstition, rigidity and hypocrisy.” ( :51)

“Paul Tillich meant when he referred to the “god beyond God” and why some sophisticated Christians used to proclaim joyfully, “God is dead. Long live God.” Is it possible that the path of spiritual growth leads first out of superstition into agnosticism and then out of agnosticism toward an accurate knowledge of God? It was of this path that the Sufi Aba Said ibn Abi-I-Khair was speaking more than nine hundred years ago when he said: Until college and minaret have crumbled This holy work of ours will not be done. Until faith becomes rejection, and rejection becomes belief There will be no true Muslim.” ( :51)

“The God that comes before skepticism may bear little resemblance to the God that comes after. As I mentioned at the beginning of this section, there is no single, monolithic religion. There are many religions, and perhaps many levels to belief. Some religions may be unhealthy for some people; others may be healthy.” ( :51)

“Psychi atri sts and psychotherapists who have simplistic attitudes toward religion are likely to do a disservice to some of their patients. This will be true if they regard all religion as good or healthy. It will also be true if they throw out the baby with the bath water and regard all religion as sickness or the Enemy. And, finally, it will be true if in the face of the complexity of the matter they withdraw themselves from dealing at all with the religious issues of their patients,” ( :51)

“The result is an attitude on the part of many scientists of not only skepticism but outright rejection of what cannot be measured. It is as if they were to say, “What we cannot measure, we cannot know; there is no point in worrying about what we cannot know; therefore, what cannot be measured is unimportant and unworthy of our observation.” Because of this attitude many scientists exclude from their serious consideration all matters that are—or seem to be—intangible. Including, of course, the matter of God.” ( :52)

“To what appear to be the simplest questions, we. will tend to give either no answer or an answer which will at first sight be reminiscent more of a strange catechism than of the straightforward affirmatives of physical science. If we ask, for instance, whether the position of the electron remains the same, we must say “no”; if we ask whether the electron’s position changes with time, we must say “no”; if we ask whether the electron is at rest, we must say “no”; if we ask whether it is in motion, we must say “no.” The Buddha has given such answers when interrogated as to the conditions of a man’s self after his death; but they are not the familiar answers for the tradition of seventeenth and eighteenth century science.” ( :52)

“the path of spiritual growth that proceeds from religious superstition to scientific skepticism may indeed ultimately lead us to a genuine, religious reality?” ( :52)

“Thi s beginning possibility of unification of religion and science is the most significant and exciting happening in our intellectual life today. But it is only just beginning. For the most part both the religious and the scientific remain in self-imposed narrow frames of reference, each still largely blinded by its own particular type of tunnel vision. Examine, for instance, the behavior of both in regard to the question of miracles. Even the idea of a miracle is anathema to most scientists. Over the past four hundred years or so science has elucidated a number of “natural laws,” such as “Two objects attract each other in proportion to their mass and in inverse proportion to the distance between them” or “Energy can neither be created nor destroyed.” But having been successful in discovering natural laws, scientists in their world view have made an idol out of the concept of natural law, just as they made an idol out of the notion of measurement. The result is that any event that cannot be explained by currently understood natural law is assumed to be unreal by the scientific establishment. In regard to methodology, science has tended to say, “What is very difficult to study doesn’t merit study.” And in regard to natural law, science tends to say, “What is very difficult to understand doesn’t exist.” ( :52)

“Ri chard Bucke referred to it as cosmic consciousness; Buber described it in terms of the I-Thou relationship; and Maslow gave it the label “Being cognition”.” ( :52)

 

SECTION IV

 

“A thirty-five-year-old remarkably successful businessman came to see me because of a neurosis that could only be described as mild. He was born illegitimate, and through infancy and early childhood was raised solely by his mother, who was both de.af and dumb, in the slums of Chicago. When he was five years old the state, believing that no such mother could be competent to raise a child, took him away from her without warning or explanation and placed him in a succession of three foster homes, where he was treated to rather routine indignities and with a total absence of affection. At the age of fifteen he became partially paralyzed as the result of a rupture of a congenital aneurysm of one of the blood vessels in his brain. At sixteen he left his final set of foster parents and began living by himself. Predictably, at the age of seventeen he was jailed for a particularly vicious and meaningless assault. He received no psychiatric treatment in jail.” ( :54)

“attenti on and cast them aside as if they were without significance. It is for this reason that patients in psychoanalysis are instructed again and again to say whatever comes into their minds no matter how silly or insignificant it may initially seem. Whenever a patient says, “It’s ridiculous, but this silly thought keeps coming to my mind—it doesn’t make any sense, but you’ve told me I have to say these things,”” ( :56)

“”Oh, that’s the Singapore Cricket Club.” The words had popped out of my mouth with utter spontaneity. Almost immediately I regretted them. I had no basis whatever for saying them. I had not only never been in Singapore before, I had never seen a cricket club before in daylight, much less in darkness. Yet to my amazement, as we walked on and came to the other side of the building, which was its front, there by the entrance was a brass plaque reading Singapore Cricket Club. How did I know this which I did not know? Among the possible explanations, one is that of Jung’s theory of the “collective unconscious,” in which we inherit the wisdom of the experience of our ancestors without ourselves having the personal experience.” ( :57)

“the principle of synchronicity. My friend and I don’t know the cause or reason why we had such implausibly similar dreams, but one aspect of the event was that we had them close in time. Somehow the timing seems the important, perhaps even crucial element in these implausible events.” ( :58)

“The fact that highly implausible events, for which no cause can be determined within the framework of known natural law, occur with implausible frequency has come to be known as the principle of synchronicity. My friend and I don’t know the cause or reason why we had such implausibly similar dreams, but one aspect of the event was that we had them close in time. Somehow the timing seems the important, perhaps even crucial element in these implausible events.” ( :58)

“ti tled, “How People Change,” by Allen Wheelis.” ( :59)

“seem to remember someone I studied in my college days stating, “Evolution is an eddy in the second law of thermodynamics ” but I have unfortunately not been able to locate the reference. • More recently the concept has been articulated by Buckminster Fuller in his book And It Came to Pass—Not to Stay” ( :60)

“So original sin does exist; it is our laziness. It” ( :63)

“But while all fear is not laziness, much fear is exactly that.” ( :63)

“. Much of our fear is fear of a change in the status quo, a fear that we might lose what we have if we venture forth from where we are now.” ( :63)

“The majority of these drop-outs (or cop-outs) occur during the first few sessions or first few months of treatment. The dynamics are often clearest in the cases of those married patients who become aware during the first few sessions of therapy that their marriages are dreadfully disordered or destructive, and hence that the path to mental health will lie either through divorce or else through an enormously difficult and painful process of completely restructuring a marriage.” ( :63)

“Evi l people hate the light because it reveals themselves to themselves. They hate goodness because it reveals their badness; they hate love because it reveals their laziness.” ( :64)

“Therefore, might we not conclude that to become conscious is to know with our unconscious? The development of consciousness is the development of awareness in our conscious mind of knowledge along with our unconscious mind, which already possesses that knowledge. It is a process of the conscious mind coming into synchrony with the unconscious. This should be no strange concept to psychotherapists, who frequently define their therapy as a process of “making the unconscious conscious” or enlarging the realm of consciousness in relation to the realm of unconsciousness.” ( :64)

“Li fe has always seemed to me like a plant that lives on its rhizome. Its true life is invisible, hidden in the rhizome. The part that appears above ground lasts only a single summer. Then it withers away—an ephemeral apparition. When we think of the unending growth and decay of life and civilization, we cannot escape the impression of absolute nullity. Yet I have never lost a sense of something that lives and endures underneath the eternal flux. What we see is the blossom, which passes. The rhizome remains. *” ( :64)

“The point is to become God while preserving consciousness. If the bud of consciousness that grows from the rhizome of the unconscious God can become itself God, then God will have assumed a new life form. This is the meaning of our individual existence. We are born that we might become, as a conscious individual, a new life form of God.” ( :65)

“Poli ti cal power is the capacity to coerce others, overtly or covertly, to do one’s will. This capacity resides in a position, such as a kingship or presidency, or else in money. It does not reside in the person who occupies the position or possesses the money. Consequently political power is unrelated to goodness or wisdom. Very stupid and very evil people have walked as kings upon the earth. Spiritual power, however, resides entirely within the individual and has nothing to do with the capacity to coerce others. People of great spiritual power may be wealthy and may upon occasion occupy political positions of leadership, but they are as likely to be poor and lacking in political authority. Then, what is the capacity of spiritual power if not the capacity to coerce? It is the capacity to make decisions with maximum awareness. It is consciousness.” ( :65)

“So also in the area of child-raising. Is it any better to do the right thing for the wrong reasons than the wrong thing for the right reasons? We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and the most enlightened when we are the most confused.” ( :65)

“The experience of spiritual power is basically a joyful one. There is a joy that comes with mastery. Indeed, there is no greater satisfaction than that of being an expert, of really knowing what we are doing. Those who have grown the most spiritually are those who are the experts in living. And there is yet another joy, even greater. It is the joy of communion with God. For when we truly know what we are doing, we are participating in the omniscience of God. With total awareness of the nature of a situation, of our motives for acting upon it, and of the results and ramifications of our action, we have attained that level of awareness that we normally expect only of God. Our conscious self has succeeded in coming into alignment with the mind of God. We know with God.” ( :65)

“The one who regards his division simply and solely as a unit of strategy may sleep easily after having made his decision. But for the other, with his awareness of each of the lives of the men under his command, the decision will be agonizing. We are all generals. Whatever action we take may influence the course of civilization.” ( :66)

“So spiritual power is not simply awareness; it is the capacity to maintain one’s ability to still make decisions with greater and greater awareness. And godlike power is the power to make decisions with total awareness. But unlike the popular notion of it, omniscience does not make decision-making easier; rather, it becomes ever more difficult. The closer one comes to godhood, the more one feels sympathy for God. To participate in God’s omniscience is also to share His agony.” ( :66)

“Aloneness, however, is the unavailability of someone to communicate with at your level of awareness.” ( :66)

“I make a distinction between aloneness and loneliness. Loneliness is the unavailability of people to communicate with on any level. Powerful people are surrounded by others only too eager to communicate with them; hence they are seldom lonely and may even yearn for loneliness. Aloneness, however, is the unavailability of someone to communicate with at your level of awareness.” ( :66)

“Here there is a similarity, in at least one dimension, between spiritual and political power. Someone who is approaching the peak of spiritual evolution is like someone at the peak of political power. There is no one above to whom to pass the buck; no one to blame; no one to tell you how to do it. There may not even be anyone on the same level to share the agony or the responsibility.” ( :66)

“Gospels is Christ’s continual sense of frustration on finding that there was no one who could really understand him. No matter how hard he tried, how much he extended himself, he could not lift the minds of even his own disciples to his level.” ( :66)

“how much he extended himself, he could not lift the minds of even his own disciples to his level. The wisest followed him but could not catch up with him, and all his love could not relieve him of the necessity to lead by walking ahead, utterly alone. This kind of aloneness is “shared” by all who travel the farthest on the journey of spiritual growth. It is such a burden that it simply could not be borne were it not for the fact that as we outdistance our fellow humans our relationship to God inevitably becomes correspondingly closer. In the communion of growing consciousness, of knowing with God, there is enough joy to sustain us.” ( :66)

“”Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.” * * Matthew 5:3.” ( :67)

“Pursued wherever he went by the Furies, Orestes wandered about the land seeking to atone for his crime. After many years of lonely reflection and self-abrogation Orestes requested the gods to relieve him of the curse on the House of Atreus and its visitations upon him through the Furies, stating his belief that he had succeeded in atoning for the murder of his mother. A trial was held by the gods. Speaking in Orestes’ defense, Apollo argued that he had engineered the whole situation that had placed Orestes in the position in which he had no choice but to kill his mother, and therefore Orestes really could not be held responsible. At this point Orestes jumped up and contradicted his own defender, stating, “It was I, not Apollo, that murdered my mother!” The gods were amazed. Never before had a member of the House of Atreus assumed such total responsibility for himself and not blamed the gods. Eventually the gods decided the trial in Orestes’ favor, and not only relieved him of the curse upon the House of Atreus but also” ( :67)

“requi red by the process of psychotherapy to assume total responsibility for their condition and its cure, most patients, no matter how eager for therapy they initially appeared to be, will drop out. They choose rather to be sick and have the gods to blame than to be well with no one to blame ever again.” ( :68)

“thers, however, will reject therapy even if it is offered them on a silver platter, or else, even if they do become engaged in a therapeutic relationship, will sit in it like a bump on a log, extracting from it almost nothing no matter how great the therapist’s skill and effort and love. While at the conclusion of a successful case I am tempted to feel that I have cured the patient, I know the reality of the situation is that I have been no more than a catalyst—and fortunate to be that. Since ultimately people heal themselves with or without the tool of psychotherapy, why is it that so few do and so many do not? Since the path of spiritual growth, albeit difficult, is open to all, why do so few choose to travel it? It was to this question that Christ was addressing himself when he said, “Many are called, but few are chosen.”* * Matthew 22: 14; see also Matthew 20: 16.” ( :68)

“Genui nely loving people are, by definition, growing people.” ( :68)

“more and more frequently. She looked at me with the beginning of a sense of horror. “But that would require me to be thinking all the time!” she said. I agreed with her that it was through a lot of thinking that her power would evolve and be maintained, and that she would be rid of the feeling of powerlessness at the root of her depression. She became furious. “I don’t want to have to think all the goddamn time,” she roared. “I didn’t come here for my life to be made more difficult. I want to be able to just relax and enjoy myself. You expect me to be some sort of god or something!” Sad to say, it was shortly afterward that this potentially brilliant woman terminated treatment, far short of being healed, terrified of the demands that mental health would require of her.” ( :69)

“”If you are loving and diligent, you may do whatever you want.” *” ( :69)

“. Most of us are like children or young adolescents; we believe that the freedom and power of adulthood is our due, but we have little taste for adult responsibility and self-discipline. Much as we feel oppressed by our parents—or by society or fate—we actually seem to need to have powers above us to blame for our condition.” ( :70)

“above us to blame for our condition. To rise to a position of such power that we have no one to blame except ourselves is a fearful state of affairs. As has already been mentioned, were it not for God’s presence with us in that exalted position, we would be terrified by our aloneness. Still, many have so little capacity to tolerate the aloneness of power that they reject God’s presence rather than experience themselves as the sole master of their ship. Most people want peace without the aloneness of power. And they want the self-confidence of adulthood without having to grow up.” ( :70)

“psychotherapy, or fail to benefit from it even in the best hands, or why humans routinely resist grace; the force of entropy makes it only natural that they should do so. Rather, the question is the opposite: How is it that a few do heed the call that is so difficult? What distinguishes the few from the many? I am unable to answer this question. These people may come from wealthy, cultured backgrounds or from impoverished, superstitious ones.” ( :70)

“The paradox that we both choose grace and are chosen by grace is the essence of the phenomenon of serendipity. Serendipity was defined as “the gift of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for.” Buddha found enlightenment only when he stopped seeking for it—when he let it come to him. On the other hand, who can doubt that enlightenment came to him precisely because he had devoted at least sixteen years of his life seeking it, sixteen years in preparation?” ( :70)

“One way or another, these concepts have been set forth before—by Buddha, by Christ, by Lao-tse, among many others.” ( :71)

 

Afterword

 

“you are usually well·off to trust a therapist who says that he or she does not know. In fact, educated and successful people in any profession who admit ignorance are generally the most expert and trustworthy.” ( :72)


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